JACKSONVILLE, FL – Free agent QB Tim Tebow, furiously manipulating a wireless controller and staring intently at a 25″ Goldstar television set propped up next to his family’s basement washer/dryer combo, deftly led a computerized version of the Denver Broncos to an 11-5 regular season record as well as a Super Bowl victory in the “Madden 25″ video game on his XBOX 360 game console, sources close to the former NFL player confirmed early today.
“World Champions! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos have just won the Super Bowl,” proclaimed Tebow to no one but his dog Gideon, with whom Tebow shares the basement bedroom in his parents’ Jacksonville-area home. “Mean sportswriters and certain coaches around the league may have once doubted his abilities, but folks, Tim Tebow has just proven that he can lead an NFL team to football’s highest honor on its biggest stage. Let’s hear it for this talented superstar, everyone! Yayyyy!”
Tebow, who won a Heisman trophy and a pair of national championships at the University of Florida before a brief NFL career that fizzled out after stops in Denver, New York, and New England, reportedly leaned heavily on the videogame’s computerized “wildcat” formation to make best use of his avatar’s running skills.
“Tim Tebow was simply masterful in his execution of the Broncos offensive attack today,” the celebratory QB announced as part of a post-game wrap-up that was apparently occurring inside his head. “Using a variety of off-tackle and end-around runs, Tebow ran for over 420 yards today folks. That shattered the existing NFL record by over a hundred yards!”
Tebow, 26, was chosen by the Broncos in the first round of the 2010 NFL draft. Despite his fierce competitiveness and strength of character, his faulty passing mechanics prevented him from excelling as a pro QB, and led to his eventual release by three teams in a two-year span. But in the alternate universe that seemed to be taking place within his imagination, Tebow still remained the starter in Denver as the team mounted its drive for a championship.
“Just like the other Denver team, my Broncos had to play the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Some coincidence, eh?” chuckled Tebow. “And I’m pleased to say that we won by a final score of 44-41. It was touch-and-go there for a while. But our game winning drive with 1:00 to play resulted in the go-ahead touchdown to win the game.”
Added Tebow: “Technically, I had to bench myself on that drive in favor of Peyton Manning in order to pass the ball down the field quickly. But that’s only because the computer gives Manning a passing grade of 97, and me a grade of 65, which frankly I think is way too low. But I still awarded myself MVP honors because it was my overall leadership that made this championship possible.”
After saving his current level, Tebow then powered down his XBOX and proceeded up the stairs to his family’s kitchen, where the unemployed QB made himself a turkey and cheese sandwich before settling down in front of the family computer to Google “2009 BCS championship highlights” for the fifth time this week alone.
