GLENDALE, AZ – Owners of the other 31 NFL teams have begun to converge on Arizona this week to prepare for Super Bowl XLIX, and while enjoying the hype and festivities of the buildup to the big game, the league’s various executive have been doing their best to ignore Raiders owner Mark Davis’ horrifying troll-like appearance, according to numerous sources in attendance at the University of Phoenix Stadium.
“I was standing in front of everyone, giving a speech about our ongoing investigation of the ‘DeflateGate’ scandal,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “And the whole time, I’m thinking to myself, ‘Don’t look at Mark Davis, don’t look at Mark Davis.’ Because I know once I do, it’ll be impossible to tear my eyes away from him.”
“I’m not sure what the deal is with his appearance,” added Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. “Is it genetic? Some sort of childhood disfiguration? Whatever it is, I just try to avoid making eye contact at all costs. I feel bad for the guy, and I don’t want him to think I’m being rude by staring at his bizarre visage.”
“Well obviously, he’s not the most attractive guy, and that’s not his fault,” said Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti. “But he’s not doing himself any favors with that haircut of his. And for Christ’s sake, have you seen his clothes? His dad (deceased Raiders owner Al Davis) may have been able to pull off a white track suit, but Mark? Not so much.”
Other owners referenced the late Al Davis as well.
“It was the same with his father Al, during his later years,” said 49ers owner Jed York. “He started to look really creepy, and we all had to avert our eyes away from him whenever he was around. You know, because he had those liver spots all over his face, there was usually a yellowed bandage or two on his forehead, and his skin was all peeling and flaking. But that was understandable, because he was, like, 100 years old or whatever. Mark Davis is a 58-year-old man. He should not look that weird.”