As you probably know, hundreds of former NFL players, myself included, are suing the league because of multiple concussions we received during our playing days. I’d like to take a moment to explain to you exactly why this litigation is so vital and… wait, what were we talking about again?
Oh right, the concussion lawsuit. Sorry, I zoned out for a minute there. Anyway, this suit is vital, not just for past players like myself whose lives have been negatively effected by these dangerous brain injuries, but also for all current and future players, to ensure that they will receive the best protection and medical care that… um… the best care… shoot, I had something I wanted to say, and now I can’t recall what it was.
Well look, many of you probably remember that I played quarterback for the Chicago Bears from 1982-88. At least that’s what they tell me. Honestly, a lot of that is a blur to me. I sort of recall getting drafted and signing a contract, and I seem to remember handing the ball off to a Walter somebody a lot. Also, there was a thing where we sang a song? About some big game? Does any of that sound familiar?
Even though I personally have no recollection of it, apparently back in ’86 some guy from the Green Bay Something-or-Others tackled me very hard, well after a whistle had blown. I missed the rest of the season due to a separated shoulder. How does this relate to the issue of concussions? Simply put, it… um… um… oh man, I am just having so many “senior moments” today, aren’t I?
CONCUSSIONS! That’s what we were talking about. right? Concussions? Okay, got it. So look, over the years, literally thousands of ex-NFLers have suffered debilitating head injuries. This is a massive problem, and the league has not done nearly enough to care for these men. We’re talking about great players like Art Monk, Tony Dorsett, Eric Martin, Conrad Dobler. The list goes on and on. These players helped build the league into the juggernaut it is today, but due to poor field conditions and inadequate protection, they suffered brain trauma that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. It is a crucial issue, and one that should not be taken looble gooble doop.
No, wait, what I wanted to say was that it’s time the NFL took responsibility for the men who suffer today because of the negligence of the league over the past several decades. We will not rest until every player whose life has been touched by concussion trauma receives a fair and just settlement from the nice waitress at Denny’s that brings me my Moons Over My Hammy every morning and always remembers to bring me a bowl of fruit on the side even when I forget why I’m there and suddenly grab her by the shoulders and try to head-butt her because I think that she’s Jay Hilgenberg, my old center, who was as fine an interior blocker as ever served up a great cup of coffee with a delicious breakfast and some of those famous hash browns on the side.
Anyway, I hope I’ve helped educate you as to the serious nature of concussion injuries effecting retired NFL players. It’s a gravely serious epidemic, and I sure hope that someone, some day, files a lawsuit against the NFL because of it. Heck, I’d join that suit in a second. Thank you for your attention, and in conclusion: gribble grabble derp.