Patriots Say Fuck It, Slap Franchise Tag On Calvin Johnson Jr.

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Updated: February 8, 2014

FOXBOROUGH – With the 2014 NFL free agency period just over a month away, Patriots coach Bill Belichick has chosen to get a jump on the bidding by slapping the franchise tag designation on Lions WR Calvin Johnson Jr., despite the fact that Johnson, technically, is not eligible for the tag because he, technically, is under a multi-year contract to the Detroit Lions.

Bill Belichick and Calvin Johnson Jr

 

“I’m pleased to announce that we have labeled Calvin Johnson Jr. as our franchise player,” Belichick announced earlier today. “I understand that there is some controversy over this move, but that’s to be expected. Many players who are slapped with the franchise tag experience a sense of frustration over being stripped of their negotiating leverage. But I expect Calvin to put aside his resentment and show up for all Patriots OTA’s and training camp in July.”

 

“This has nothing to do with ‘leverage’ or ‘frustration,’ countered an enraged Martin Mayhew, G.M of the Lions. “Calvin is our wideout. He has been for seven years now. Belichick can’t just swoop in and steal our best player like he was some Jets sideline signal.”

 

“Look, we could stand here all day debating things like ‘who was originally under contact with who, ’or ‘which superstar coach is screwing over which inept franchise’” countered Belichick. “But none of that matters at the moment. Let’s just say that sometimes, rules gets misinterpreted and leave it at that. The important thing is that Tom Brady will finally have the quality receiver he’s been lacking, and that’s what I’m trying to focus on right now.”

 

The Lions, Johnson, and the NFLPA have all vowed to fight the Patriots maneuver via an independent arbitrator, but Belichick expressed confident in his chances.

 

“We look forward to the matter being decided by an unbiased judge,” said Belichick. “I feel certain that the official NFL arbitrator will rule in our favor, especially when the arbitrator gets a load of some of the secret footage we’ve recorded of him, his neighbor’s wife and her pet goat last Tuesday.”

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44 Comments

  1. Tony Romo

    March 25, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Darth Anonymous, “You’re right about not being Tony Romo. As of now he’s more of a man than you and could be a better Sith with the proper training. What happened to you? Two weeks ago you could have been a worthy rival. Now you are nothing. Your name is now Bill Belichick. No Darth, no Lord Sith , just plain ole Bill. Your powers are mine, your QB’s soul is mine. Tom Coughlin is a better coach than you in the games that truly matter. Be gone.”

    Darth Anonymous, I will do whatever you ask. Just help me to become an elite QB. *kneels* I pledge myself to your teachings. To the ways of the Sith.

  2. Anonymous

    March 14, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    “Belichick can’t just swoop in and steal our best player like he was some Jets sideline signal.”

    Stealing signals is not illegal.

  3. Rusty BlackMist Mustang

    March 9, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Yep, that’s me Phil.

  4. RG3

    March 2, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    *blows out ACL*

  5. Philip Rivers

    March 2, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Rusty BlackMist Mustang? The horse that has a Cowboys hat on his head?

  6. No One Ever

    March 2, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Oh, Calvin Johnson Jr will definitely win a Super Bowl with the Lions! He doesn’t need to join a different team…

  7. Rusty BlackMist Mustang

    February 18, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    Hey Darth Belichick, since when did you become Chris Crocker?

  8. Darth Belichick

    February 17, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    SHUT UP DARTH ANONYMOUS!!! JUSTIN BIEBER IS AMAZING DON’T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT HIM!!! HE’S THE BEST SINGER IN THE GAME!!! NO SORRY SITH LIKE DARTH ANONYMOUS IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT!!!

  9. Rusty BlackMist Mustang

    February 17, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    Hmm, come to think of it, Russell Wilson would like to have Megatron. That would make Aaron Rodgers’ day.

  10. Darth Anonymous

    February 16, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Pathetic fool. Is that you Belichick? I know 9 straight years of no Super Bowl winsa nd admitting you love Justin Bieber is embarrassing but hiding behind my name won’t make it better.

  11. The REAL Darth Anonymous

    February 16, 2014 at 8:22 am

    WAIT!!! That guy is an impostor! I am the real Darth Anonymous! He is a fake!

  12. Marshawn Lynch

    February 16, 2014 at 7:46 am

    BEAST MODE LIFT SEAHAWKS TO BOWL OF SUPER CHAMPIONSHIP. PUNY NEGATRON LIFT PUNY LIONS TO THIRD PLACE IN DIVISION.

  13. Calvin Johnson

    February 14, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Fuck you beast mode I am taller than you and I have bigger guns than you! Do you even lift?

  14. Marshawn Lynch

    February 13, 2014 at 11:09 pm

    BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS! PUNY CALVIN JOHNSON NO MATCH FOR BEAST MODE! SHITTY PATRIOTS NEED MORE THAN JUST PUNY RECIEVERS!

  15. Anonymous

    February 13, 2014 at 9:35 am

    You don’t need to kill him Tony. I mean you can if you want but spending his career with the Falcons getting spanked by Drew Brees and Cam Newton twice a year with that one playoff win under his belt is far worse than anything you can possibly do to him. In the end you will be in the Hall of Fame, he never will.

  16. Tony Gonzalez

    February 12, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Maybe we can steal a casket that can fit your body. Because I can sure use one.

  17. Matt Ryan

    February 12, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Hee Haw!!! Now we can use that film we have have of Brady servicing Belichick in Tebow’s back yard to steal Calvin from the Patriots!

  18. Darth Anonymous

    February 12, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Nice try Belichick but it won’t do you any good. If I wanted to control Megatron’s destiny I would have him join the Seahawks, Saints, or 49ers so he can actually win a Super Bowl. Come to think of it, any NFC team would be better for him than under your wing.

    And apparently I have copycats of my own as the real Darth Anonymous would NEVER call you Billy. It seems I am gaining some fans on this site.

  19. Ryan Tannehill

    February 11, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    Are you even going to HAVE a tight end in the next few years?

  20. Aaron Hernandez

    February 11, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    Speaking of players trying to get other people killed… does anyone, um, need a tight end in the next few years?

  21. Ryan Tannehill

    February 11, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    I’d just be happy with a offensive line that’s not trying to get me killed.

  22. Colin Kaepernick

    February 11, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    New England?!? He should sign with us instead! We have more talent and are definitely Super Bowl bound next year. GO DOLPHINS! TANNEHILL TO MEGATRON!!!

  23. Anonymous

    February 11, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Once again.. great article, trashed by a ridiculous, unfunny line at the end.

  24. Calvin Johnson

    February 11, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Fuck that I am not playing for the Patriots you guys are cheap! No wonder Wes Welker left for the Broncos. You guys can stick with your cheap nobody’s while I get paid millions playing for on a shit team.

  25. Tom Brady

    February 11, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Oh man I hope that happens so badly

  26. Darth Belichick

    February 11, 2014 at 10:20 am

    I’ve been waiting for you, Darth Anonymous, we meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you in the AFC Championship I was exposed and defeated, but now I am once again the master!

  27. Manny Ramirez

    February 11, 2014 at 7:47 am

    *snaps ball*

  28. Trindon Holliday

    February 10, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    *fumbles kick return*

  29. Anonymous

    February 10, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Tom Brady and Calvin Johnson would kill! and I am not a fan of the Patriots or Lions

  30. The Man (@TheGr8tstManEvr)

    February 10, 2014 at 9:22 am

    “stripped of their negotiating leverage.” Yeah they gave that up in the CBA, they culd have gotten rid of it but they chose to cave so sucks to be them. Poor people ONLY getting paid the average of the top 5 millionaires… I… *sniff* I don’t know how they manage.

    I’M SORRY I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE! *runs off crying*

  31. Darth Anonymous

    February 9, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Now now Billy my friend, you aren’t the only one who knows everything. And I don’t need tape recordings. That is the power of the Sith.

  32. Anonymous

    February 9, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    Yes.

  33. cheese

    February 9, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Anyone else get confused and think that the Patriots were trying to put the franchise tag on Calvin Johnson’s infant son or something like that?

  34. DangeRuss Wilson

    February 9, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    I bet Calvin wouldn’t mind playing for a winning team.

  35. Bill Belichick

    February 9, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    WILSON, I WILL USE MY POWERS OF THE DARK SIDE TO APPREHEND YOUR TEAM’S LOMBARDI TROPHY, BASH YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT, AND STORE IT IN OUR TROPHY CASE!

  36. Russell Wilson

    February 9, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Wait til Belichick sees the footage I’ve got of him.

  37. Marcus Joe Smith

    February 9, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Shoulda paid Wes Welker!

  38. Alf

    February 9, 2014 at 9:02 am

    “I feel certain that the official NFL arbitrator will rule in our favor, especially when the arbitrator gets a load of some of the secret footage we’ve recorded of him, his neighbor’s wife and her pet goat last Tuesday.”

    Ha ha ha ha…

  39. Roger Goodell

    February 9, 2014 at 8:11 am

    I will not tolerate this! As punishment, the Patriots must give the Lions Tom Brady and still pay his contract!

  40. Kenneth Smith-Brady

    February 8, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    WAIT CAN THE DOLPHINS DO THIS?! CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKER HICKEY UP

  41. BEN ROETHLISBURGER

    February 8, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    HAHA THATS FUNNY BECAUSE BEN ROETHLISBURGER IS A RAPIST!!!



    …WAIT… BUT THATS ME!!!!!!!

  42. anonymoose

    February 8, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    here come the Ben Rothlisburger explain rapes…

  43. Helper

    February 8, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    we’ve* & confidence*. Funny article as usual.

  44. Ben Roethlisberger

    February 8, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    BECAUSE BILL BELICHICK HAS NEVER READ THE NFL RULEBOOK, YOU SEE!!!

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