Falcons Sign 7’3″ DE Chewbacca Out Of Tattooine State University

"Rookie Wookie" expected to make immediate impact

By
Updated: November 21, 2013

ATLANTA – Seeking to bolster a pass rush that currently ranks 26th in the league in sacks, the disappointing 2-8 Atlanta Falcons today signed 7’3″ defensive end Chewbacca out of Tattooine State University, team sources confirmed.

Unconfirmed reports claim that the wookie has tested positively for elevated levels of midichlorians.

Unconfirmed reports claim that the wookie has tested positively for elevated levels of midichlorians.

 

“We’re excited to welcome our ‘rookie wookie’ to the Atlanta Falcons family, and we can’t wait to incorporate his unique skills into our defense,” head coach Mike Smith said at a press conference. “Just wait ’til you see him play. Chewie gets a jump off the line so quick, we call it ‘hyperspace.’ And during his tryout, he ran the 40 yard dash in under 12 parsecs.”

 

Added Smith: “Trust me, the force is strong in this one.”

 

Chewbecca, whose impressive stature, long limbs, and soul-piercing growl make him a natural for the all-important RE position, is expected to make an immediate impact on coordinator Mike Nolan’s defense, and his presence was quickly noticed during his first practice with the team.

 

“We expect Chewie to be nothing less than the greatest defender we’ve had in Atlanta during this century,” Nolan told reporters. “A true ‘Millennium Falcon,’ if you will.”

 

“Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way?” muttered QB Matt Ryan, picking himself up from the turf after the wookie fought off yet another blocker to record his fifth sack of the morning session.

 

While some analysts have praised the signing, others have expressed skepticism.

 

“Is it really wise to sign Chewbacca to a three-year deal despite his having absolutely no previous experience playing football at any level?” asked one reporter. “After all, this isn’t like blasting womprats in a T-16 back home. This is the NFL.”

 

Replied Smith, simply: “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

 

When asked to comment on how he was picking up the nuances of the Falcons’ 4-3 scheme, the rookie let loose with an extended guttural snarl that witness described as, “RUUUUUrhrGUGUGHRhghghghrRURURUghGHrrrrrr,” which was translated by a nearby protocol droid as, “I just want to be a part of the team and contribute in any way I can. Also, I’ll pull people’s arm out of their sockets if we lose. Wookies have been known to do that.”

20 Comments

  1. Ben R

    November 21, 2013 at 3:47 am

    BECAUSE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LET THE WOOKIEE WIN, YOU SEE

  2. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 6:04 am

    Is that you, Ben Roethlisberger? XD

  3. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Someone at PFM must be a fan of Mike Tanier.

    “Atlanta Falcons

    Telling Sign of Collapse: Levine Toilolo. Joplo Bartu. Stansly Maponga. The guy who makes up Star Wars names will have to quit his job in the Falcons scouting department; there’s a new movie in 2015.”

    http://www.sportsonearth.com/article/64003340/ (Scroll down to the Falcons section)

  4. toadofsteel

    November 21, 2013 at 7:34 am

    Wouldn’t chewbacca have attended Kashyyyk State University?

  5. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 8:13 am

    No, because decent defenders don’t go to KSU.

  6. Tim

    November 21, 2013 at 8:15 am

    They were on probation and didn’t have the scholarship to give.

  7. IFHSS

    November 21, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Whats an RE? funny article though keep it up.

  8. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Right End. Lines up opposite the Left Tackle. BECAUSE YOUR BEST PASS RUSHER SHOULD TAKE ON THE BEST BLOCKER, YOU SEE.

  9. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 9:20 am

    It’s because for a right-handed quarterback, the Right End would be coming from his back side. Offenses also realize this, and put their best blocker at Left Tackle.

  10. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    Parsecs are a measurement of distance not time

  11. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    First poster, you may want to check with Han Solo about that…

  12. Phillip R

    November 25, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Chewbacca? Han Solo’s faithful sidekick and mechanic?

  13. Matt B

    November 25, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Not a single person commented on the fact that it is spelled Tatooine, not Tattooine, is this really the internet anymore ? ;p

  14. govtminion

    November 25, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Since no one else has done it yet, I’ll throw in the obligatory PFM comment asking “OMG, is this true? I didn’t see anything about this on ESPN!” or something like that.

  15. Collin Farmer

    November 25, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Two things.

    1. Tatooine, not Tattooine.
    2. Wookiee, not wookie.
    3. It would be Kashyyyk State University, Tatooine has way too much sand for a Wookiee!

  16. Anonymous

    November 25, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Is it that serious to correct whatever errors the OP made ? Its a satire article not a star wars wiki. Stop being star wars fags and enjoy the article.

  17. Cartman

    November 25, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Actually, it would be ESU, because all good South Park fans know that Wookiee’s live on Endor.

  18. mofo@yoass.com

    November 25, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    I want to nasally rape the people here who are going off on Star Wars comments.

  19. Rectum?! Damn near killed 'em!

    November 25, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    … and Han shot his load first.

  20. David

    November 26, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Brett Keisel now has the 2nd best beard in the NFL…

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