Wednesday evening, as the Dallas Cowboys defeated the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants 24-17 in the NFL’s 2012 season opening game, the entire American population turned to one another and in unison asked, “Who the f**K is this Kevin Ogletree?”
“I’ve never heard of the guy,” said the shocked nation, still amazed by Ogletree’s eight catches for 114 yards and two touchdowns in the upset victory. “Was he, like, a high draft pick or something? I thought Dez Bryant was their go-to receiver? What’s his name again? Oglingstreet?”
“Ogletree. Kevin Ogletree,” said Dave, that one friend of the nation who’s a diehard Cowboys fan. “He’s been with Dallas for what, I think, four years now? He was an undrafted free agent in 2008 or ’09. I forget which. Anyway, they didn’t even think he was going to make the team this year. Trust me, I’m as amazed as anyone else by the numbers he put up tonight.”
The nation continued to express surprise that it was this Ogletree character, whom the nation insists they’ve never heard of before even though they watch a lot of Cowboy games because they’re the only ones the stupid networks ever seem to carry, that was the clear MVP of Wednesday’s contest.
“I mean, they’re supposed to have all this offensive firepower, you know?” the nation said, as it turned off the post game show and got ready for bed. “They have Miles Austin, Jason Witten, DeMarco Murray, Dez Bryant, Felix Jones. And it this Oggle-whosits that steals the show? Who would have guessed?”
As they climbed into bed, the nation continued to shake their collective head while muttering, “Man. Kellen Ovaltine, huh? I might have to pick that guy up for my fantasy team this week.”