WASHINGTON – The Redskins opened the NFL 2014 free agent season with a bang on Tuesday, when they signed the entire roster of the San Francisco 49ers to a reported 6-year contract worth an estimated $840 million, $800 million of which is fully guaranteed, team sources confirmed earlier today.
“We’re very excited about today’s signing,” said giddy Redskins owner Dan Snyder, “And we look forward to welcoming to our team Patrick Willis, Vernon Davis, Justin Smith, Colin Kaepernick, Ahmad Brooks, Frank Gore, Michael Crabtree, NaVorro Bowman, that one guy who got arrested with all the pot last year, that other guy who plays on the o-line, Mike I-u-something. We’re thrilled to have all of them.”
When asked what would become of the existing 53-man Redskins roster, whose 3-13 record was second worst in the league last season, Snyder replied, “We’ve thanked them all for their efforts and asked them to clear out of the locker room by 4pm this afternoon. Our security staff has strict instructions to refuse them re-entry onto the premises for any reason whatsoever.”
The move leaves the 49ers with a glaring hole to fill at the key position of everywhere, but the team is hopeful they can rebuild quickly.
“We’re sorry to lose so many quality players like this,” said coach Jim Harbaugh. “But we have a dozen picks in the draft coming up in May, so we should be able to grab a quarterback, running back, a couple of linebackers, and a few other guys there. Granted, that’s only twelve players, but it should still be good enough for a couple of wins over the Rams.”
Following the Redskins lead, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers quickly moved to sign the entire Denver Broncos team to a free agent contract, the Buffalo Bills signed the New England Patriots, and the Cleveland Browns, apparently misunderstanding the concept, signed the Jacksonville Jaguars.