FOXBOROUGH, MA – As part of his contractual obligation to his new team, just-signed New England Patriots QB Tim Tebow renounced all allegiences to God, His son Jesus Christ, and the Southern Baptist religious faith, and pledged eternal loyalty to Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, as well as High Demonic Priest Bill Belichick, team sources confirmed today.
“All hail the Dark Lord Satan,” a smiling Tebow said, as he scrawled his name on a Patriots contract using a special pen with ink derived from the blood of slaughtered infants. “To tell you the truth, I was a little surprised to learn that New England could require me to devote my life to the service of evil. But as Coach Belichick explained to me, it’s just something they call the ‘Patriot Way.’ And I really, really wanted to get back into the NFL. So, if it takes an offer of my eternal soul to the Antichrist, so be it.”
“It’s pretty standard boilerplate language in all our contracts,” explained a red-cloaked Belichick, as blood from the pig’s heart he’d just devoured oozed down his chin. “Every free agent that signs with the team must commit to a certain number of off-season workouts, agree to a strict practice and meeting schedule, vow to devote their life to the service of Satan as an unholy minion, and comply with normal state and federal tax withholdings. The usual small print.”
Tebow expressed gratitude to Belichick and Lucifer for the opportunity to compete for a roster spot, and promised to do all he could to secure a backup QB position on the team.
“I’m here to contribute in any way I can,” said Tebow, as assistant coach Josh McDaniels used a red-hot branding iron to sear a pentagram into the Heisman winner’s chest. “If that means helping (starter Tom Brady) memorize the game plan, fine. Or I could run the scout team during practice to simulate upcoming opposing QBs. And hey, if part of the job is to mop up blood and entrails after the ritual slaughter of kittens and ponies during our morning black mass/film study sessions, then that’s what I’ll do. I’m not afraid to make sacrifices for my career. Of course, I never imagined the sacrifices I’d be required to make would be, you know, actual sacrifices. But if it gets me back on the field, then hand me that dagger and point me toward that doomed victim.”
