Tim Tebow, the devoutly religious backup quarterback for the New York Jets, announced Tuesday his belief that it is the Lord God Almighty, and not any sort of technical scientific wizardry, that draws the yellow first down marker seen on all televised NFL games.
“The Bible tells us that through Jesus Christ, all things are possible,” said Tebow to a multitude of assembled reporters on a hillside just outside the Jets practice facility. “Just as He turned water into wine, and just as He cured the lepers, so too does our Lord and savior draw a magical yellow line across American television screens each Sunday to let His people see how far their teams need to go to get a fresh set of downs.”
“Of course, Jesus would want me to mention that the yellow line, while certainly miraculous, is not technically official,” the third year signal caller added. “Referees have been given the gift of free will by our Heavenly Father, and it is up to their discretion to measure the placement of the ball when necessary to confirm its accuracy compared to His most blessed yellow line.”
Despite overwhelming evidence that it is computer-generated science, not any sort of omnipotent deity, that is responsible for the yellow line, Tebow remains fiercely committed to his beliefs and rejects all claims that he needs to provide any proof for his theories.
“Look, it’s not about proof. It’s about faith,” Tebow said. ”In my heart, I am absolutely certain that Jesus wants me to know just how far, say, the Packers need to go to make a first down, and through his loving glory he makes that miracle happen.”