The Oakland Raiders, in preparation for Monday’s season opener against the San Diego Chargers, gathered together Wednesday to perform the franchise’s annual human sacrifice of a practice squad player as an offering to Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Evil Ruler of All That Is Unholy.
The player, Nathan Stupar, a linebacker from Penn State selected in the 7th round of April’s draft, screamed in agony as Oakland coach Dennis Allen plunged his hand deep into Supar’s chest, and withdrew his still-beating heart. Allen then smeared blood from the dripping organ onto his forehead in the shape of an upside down cross, before lifting the heart above his head and bellowing, “Glory and honor unto you, oh Dark Lord Satan. In your most evil name do we offer you this filthy human’s life, in exchange for your looking upon our 2012 season, and in particular this upcoming key divisional game, with your most unholy favor! Hail Satan!”
Stupar, considered a long shot to see any significant playing time in his rookie season, thrashed, then fell deathly still as Allen proceeded to devour the entire heart, while warm blood oozed down his chin and dripped onto Stupar’s mangled corpse, which was then set ablaze.
“It’s a great bonding experience,” said WR Denarius Moore, who last year earned a roster spot with a stellar preseason that spared him the awful agony of becoming the franchise’s 2011 sacrifice, a horror that instead befall RB Manese Tonga. “Getting together with the guys before the season starts, blowing off some steam, and passing around warm innards from a slaughtered practice squad player, so that everyone gets a bite. It brings us together as a team, while at the same time pleases our great Lord Satan.”
This year’s ritual was unique, of course, for being the first sacrifice not performed by legendary Raider owner Al Davis, who passed away in October of last year.
“Not gonna lie man, it was emotional for us to do this without Mr. Davis for the first time,” said longtime Raider P Shane Lechler. “He’s the one that started this tradition, and kept it going all these years. I think we all got a little choked up when we saw that giant throne of human skulls that he used to sit on. We kept it empty this year, as a tribute. But I know that wherever he is now, Al Davis was looking up at us from a fiery pit and smiling that crooked smile of his.”
While skeptics have observed that the sacrifices have yielded little success over the past decade, the team defends the practice.
“No, we haven’t won a Super Bowl for a while, it’s true. But we will, when the Prince of Darkness feels the time is right. But look, last year we prayed to our Unholy Lord to smite our divisional foes with His most wretched of curses. And what happened? Half the Chiefs got injured, the Chargers shit the bed, and the Broncos had to play with Tebow. It just goes to show that prayer really does work.”