EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – While enjoying a guided tour of New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium, a visiting group of eleven senior citizens from the nearby Golden Meadows Retirement Community found themselves thrust into a full contact pickup game against the New York Giants earlier today, from which the elderly visitors emerged with a convincing 34-6 victory.
“Our tour guide brought us out to the field, where we saw those Giants young’uns scrimmaging with their foot-ball ,” said Ethel Rubenstein, 83. “They were practicing some of those new-fangled ‘forward pass’ plays, and my stars, they just looked awful. I know it was rude, but we were all chuckling a little, and when that quarter-back fellow of theirs saw us, he said, ‘Hey Grandma, think you could do any better?’ Well one thing led to another, and we played them in a real honest-to-goodness game!”
Added Rubenstein, who had 8 receptions for 130 yards and two TDs, “Suck on that, whippersnappers.”
“We just got outhustled out there,” admitted coach Tom Coughlin. “I have to give them credit. They’re clearly a veteran team, and they seemed to have better conditioning than our guys.”
Continued Coughlin: “I thought we’d be able to get better presssure on their QB, seeing as how he was using a walker to drop back in the pocket. And we really should have blocked their LBs better, especially the ones carrying the colostomy bags. Overall, I’d say it was a disappointing afternoon.”
Next week, the elderly tour group will travel south to the Peach State for a tour of the Georgia Dome stadium, where Vegas oddsmakers have installed them as a 12.5 point favorite over the Atlanta Falcons.