SEATTLE – A team of highly trained wildlife biologists from the Seattle Foundation for Great Apes Research, who have spent much of the past week working closely with the visiting KoKo the gorilla, have managed after much effort to successfully teach the 43-year-old primate to say “fuck the Patriots,” in sign language, according to zoological sources close to the scene.
“KoKo is truly an amazing specimen, and a very quick learner,” raved Dr. Carol Steubans, head of the Foundation’s Interspecies Communication Department, “In just six short days worth of teaching, she has learned the phrases, ‘Fuck the Patriots,’ ‘Screw those cheating Boston douche bags,’ and ‘Tom Brady is a lying Nancy Boy who sits down when he pees like a little bitch.’ It’s remarkable to see her master these concepts, and incorporate them into her daily vocabulary.”
Added Steubans:”We’re also teaching her to say ‘Bill Belichick was formed from the pus that oozed out of a popped pimple on Satan’s taint,’ but she hasn’t quite gotten that one down yet.”
When questioned as to the practical applications of the teachings, Steubans claimed the potential benefits were many.
“When we as human beings can successfully communicate with our magnificent primate cousins like Koko, the possible rewards are enormous,” Steubans told reporters. “For example, we’re all going to be getting together in the facility on Sunday to watch the ‘Hawks destroy those Cheatriots. So it’ll be fun to watch Koko use what she’s learned to tell the Patriots to get fucked in sign language every time they show of shot of their sideline. And also, in about five days she’s being shipped off to spend a few weeks at the Greater Boston Gorilla Research Facility. So it’ll be cool to train her to greet them with a series of hand signs that mean, ‘Suck a bag of dicks, Patriots.’”
“And naturally, we’re also going to be shaving a Seahawks logo onto her back before we send her to the east coast,” concluded Steubans. “You know. For science.”