In the wake of the scandal surrounding Notre Dame LB Manti T’eo, and his deceased “girlfriend” who was later revealed to be an elaborate hoax, Dolphins QB Ryan Tannehill held an emotional press conference at team headquarters in Davie, FL today and tearfully confessed that his wife “Lauren,” is also an imaginary figure.
“It is with great shame I stand before you today and admit that there is no such person as ‘Lauren Tannehill,’” the Dolphins signal caller said to members of the local media. “This fictitious identity was one I cultivated over a series of months because I wanted people to think I was cool and that pretty girls liked me. I regret my actions, and apologize deeply and sincerely to everyone I have misled.”
Just as T’eo, a projected first round pick in the upcoming 2013 NFL draft, allegedly manufactured the identity of “Lennay Kekua” in order to gain publicity, so too did Tannehill apparently invent the “Lauren” character to improve his social awareness and popularity.
“The whole thing started back at the draft last April,” Tannehill explained. “I didn’t have a date, and I felt really embarrassed going stag. A buddy of mine who works for Industrial Light and Magic was able to CGI this hot blonde on his computer, and digitally insert her into the footage of me at Madison Square Garden. People around the world saw her and started tweeting about her and stuff. The whole thing just kind of snowballed from there.”
While Tannehill claims to have enjoyed the increased notoriety that he has gained due to his imaginary spouse, he also acknowledges that keeping up the ruse has been difficult.
“Whenever someone has called asking to speak to Lauren, I have to affect this really high-pitched, girly voice,” he explained. “And once, when a reporter came by to meet her, I put on a blonde wig and bathrobe, then smeared oatmeal all over my face and claimed it was a cleansing scrub. There’s just so many little things you have to do to maintain a scam like this. Frankly, I’ll be glad to be rid of her once and for all.”