One day after former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue vacated the “Bountygate” suspensions of several New Orleans Saints players, current commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Tagliabue indefinitely for “conduct detrimental the authority of the commissioner’s office,” as well as “daring to question the commissioner’s sovereignty.”
“It saddens me to say that former Commissioner Tagliabue is no longer part of our NFL family,” said Goodell early Wednesday. “But his blatant disrespect for my office’s rulings and obvious intention to embarrass me and undermine my authority leaves me no choice but to bar him from all contact with any NFL teams or employees effective immediately. This banishment will remain in place until I feel that Mr. Tagliabue is properly remorseful and will be prepared to renounce all of his blasphemous statements.”
When reminded of the fact that it was he himself who appointed Tagliabue to oversee a second round of players’ appeals to his controversial Bountygate rulings, an annoyed Goodell replied, “Paul’s appointment as a special arbitrator was contingent upon his total agreement with and upholding of all my rulings. His violation of that clearly implied agreement sealed his own fate.”
At press time, Tagliabue was rumored to be fleeing to the Mexican border via a series of hopped freight trains, while a squad of heavily armed soldiers from the NFL’s Secret Police Bureau remained in hot pursuit.