ST. LOUIS – Disgraced former Dolphins lineman Richie Incognito, unemployed since last year’s hazing scandal involving teammate Jonathan Martin, demanded today that his former team, the St. Louis Rams, sign him to a free agent contract immediately so that he could, “Beat the ever living shit out of (Rams 7th round draft pick) Michael Sam.”
“Hey Coach Fisher? It’s me, Richie,” Incognito reportedly said to Rams coach Jeff Fisher during a mid-afternoon phone call. “I played with you guys until 2009. Yeah, before your time, I know. Listen, I heard you guys just drafted that (slur) Michael Sam, and I assume you just did it for a goof or whatever. So here’s an idea: sign me to a one-year deal immediately and I’ll kick his (expletive) ass for you.”
Added Incognito: “Also, find out for me if he has a sister. I’ll totally threaten to shit on her. That’s kind of my calling card, y’know?”
Sam, who now becomes the NFL’s first openly gay player, would seem to be a poor mix with the volatile Incognito, whose history of bullying Martin included physical intimidation, financial extortion and personal attacks of a racial nature, Incognito, however, insisted that he has learned important lessons about tolerance from his past transgressions.
“Oh yeah, I’m a whole new guy,” Incognito said moments after hanging up the phone. “See, back then I was pushing Jonathan around, calling him an (expletive), insulting his manhood. I just did it for fun, because he wasn’t really gay. And I know now that was wrong. But this Michael Sam kid, he actually IS a homosexual, you see, so clearly he’d deserve whatever beatdown I put on him.”
“I explained all this to the Rams, and they said ‘absolutely not.’ But between you and me, I think they’re just trying to be tough negotiators. Trust me, I expect they’ll call me anytime now and beg me to come wedgie the shit out of that Sam kid. Unless, you know, they’re all a bunch of little (expletives) that is.”