CITIES ACROSS AMERICA – Millions of football fans across the nation who tuned in to ESPN’s full night coverage of the 2014 NFL Draft’s first round on Thursday are currently suffering from hearing that annoying “And you can tell everybody, I’m the man…” song playing on a non-stop loop in their heads, according to reports from numerous headache-experiencing sources early this morning.
“Goddammit, someone get this fucking song out of my head,” moaned Denver area resident Scott Muhlke while microwaving his morning oatmeal. ”I sat in front of my TV for four hours last night waiting for the Broncos’ pick, and they must have played that stupid tune at least fifty times. Now I just keep hearing, ‘Well you can tell everybody, go ahead and tell everybody, yeah you can tell everybody, I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man…’ over and over and over again in my mind. Swear to Christ, I’m about to jam this spoon handle into my ear to try and make it stop.”
“What the hell is with that song anyway?” questioned New Orleans Saints fan Bonnie Sciarriano from her home in Shreveport, LA. “Is it a cover version of that one Elton John song? Or is it, like, some kind of Elton John tribute? Or maybe it’s just a coincidence that it has the exact same lyrics? Whatever it is, it’s completely stuck in my head now, and I’m getting really sick of it.”
The song, titled “The Man” and sung by California rapper Aloe Blacc, was released in January of this year and peaked at number 8 on the Billboard Hot 100 Pop Chart. Additionally, it has been featured in several television commercials for the “Beats by Dre” headphones. But it wasn’t until Thursday night’s draft that the tune wedged its way into the subconscious of untold American sports viewers.
“Fuck man. After watching that draft last night, I feel like that song is permanently burned into my skull,” complained Blacc himself, from the back of his tour bus while heading to his next concert. “Listen, I wrote that damn song. I spent three weeks in the studio recording and mixing it. And even then, I didn’t hear it as often as I heard it last night. I mean, what the fuck ESPN? Did we really have to hear it after every goddamn pick? I feel like my brain’s about to explode.”