GLENDALE, AZ – A nationwide Harris poll released today indicates that 82% of Americans, when asked if they would rather see the New England Patriots or the Seattle Seahawks win Super Bowl XLIX this Sunday, instead wrote in “a giant meteor smashing directly into the stadium, completely obliterating every single player for both teams,” as their preferred rooting interest.
“Yeah, I’m fully on board ‘Team Meteor,’ said Nathan Caramello, 34. “Naturally, I don’t want the Patriots to win, for the obvious reasons: They’re a bunch of cheating bastards, Bill Belichick is evil incarnate, and Tom Brady, well, he just has that smug fucking face. But on the other hand, I sure don’t want Seattle to win either. Richard Sherman is kind of a prick, Pete Carroll is a low life, and all the 15-year-old Seahawks bandwagon fans are annoying enough as it is, without having back-to-back titles. So obviously, a deadly meteor crash is the only happy outcome I can cheer for in this game.”
“It doesn’t necessarily have to be a meteor,” countered Angela Gomez, 29. “A giant sink hole opening up right at the 50 yard line would work just as well. Or a tornado that rips perfectly down each team’s sidelines, but leaves all the spectators in the stands untouched. After all, I wouldn’t want the deaths of any innocent civilians to ruin the otherwise glorious destruction of these two annoying franchises.”
According to the poll, the meteor destruction of the two squads was not the only unusual reply to the Super Bowl related questions.
“We asked 500 respondents who they’d like to see win the Super Bowl MVP award,” said Allyssa Birth, Senior Research Analyst for the Harris Interactive Corporation. “43% answered, ‘whoever poisons the Gatorade supply of both teams,’ while 37% responded, ‘whoever places a deadly Indian Red scorpion deep within the sneakers of every single player.’”
Added Birth: “Interestingly enough, 0.2% of respondents said they would name as the Super Bowl MVP, ‘whoever rips the dick off that insufferable sea-shrimp Russell Wilson and stuffs it down his smarmy little throat,’ but we’re pretty sure that was just Aaron Rodgers.”