For some reason, the Carolina Panthers and the Oakland Raiders each went through another day of practice Wednesday, preparing for their matchup Sunday, despite the fact that no one on the entire planet gives a damn about the outcome, sources reported.
The blocking sled would go on to win the inter-squad scrimmage 21-13
“We had a good day, for what it’s worth” said Panther coach Ron Rivera, describing his team’s unnecessary game preparation. “The guys looked sharp in practice, and we had a good session’s worth of film study. So I guess we’ll be ready for Sunday’s game. Not that anyone cares.”
The Raiders (4-10) and Panthers (5-9) have both long since been eliminated from playoff qualification. Yet NFL rules dictate the two teams must play their meaningless game anyway.
“My understanding is that we are legally bound to honor our obligation to compete against the Panthers,” said Raiders coach Dennis Allen.” And the league assures us that this is necessary for a variety of important reasons. The popcorn venders, for example. Apparently, they buy tons of these ready-to-pop bags of kernels a few weeks in advance. If we don’t play the game, then those go to waste, or something.”
“I’m thinking ’bout calling in sick Sunday. You?”
“And I think they’ve already paid the deposit on the packets of nacho sauce too, so there’s that as well,” Allen added.
Some have suggested that in lieu of playoff motivation, the two squads could use the game as an opportunity to evaluate younger talent, in preparation for next season.
“That theory sounds good on paper,” said Sports Illustrated’s Tony Pauline. “But when you look at the respective rosters of both the Panthers and Raiders, and realize that neither team has any good players worth evaluating, then player analysis becomes as useless a reason to want to play the game as winning the game does.
Desperate to provide any justification for his team’s efforts, Raiders quarterback Carson Palmer cited the many fantasy football owners around the world that might possibly be interested in Sunday’s outcome.
“My neighbor made his fantasy finals, and I know he has (RB Darren) McFadden on his team. So there’s a reason right there. And my cousin has Denarious Moore too, though I don’t think he starts him. But still. There’s gotta be some people that care about this game, just from a fantasy perspective, right?”
Informed of Palmer’s comments, Allen replied. “Oh Christ. Fantasy Football? That’s why we have to go out there and slog through those pointless three hours? Jesus, just kill me now, would you?”