LONDON – The entire Oakland Raiders football franchise, currently in Great Britain to play the Miami Dolphins as part of the NFL’s “International Series,” caused an international scandal earlier today by renouncing its American citizenship, and requesting political asylum from London authorities, according to local sources on the scene.
“As of this moment, I hereby sever all ties between the Oakland Raiders and the National Football League, as well as the United States of America,” said Raiders owner Mark Davis, at an outdoor press conference near Wembley Stadium. “For too long, my people have been persecuted by the dictatorial rulings of the National Football League’s police state, as well as the cruel, inhumane treatment we’ve suffered at the hands of various AFC teams, in particular the Denver Broncos, Kansas City Chiefs, and San Diego Chargers. But today, we begin a new life here in the U.K., far away from the tyrannical treatment we have been subjected to in our homeland.”
Added Davis, “Plus I’ve seen footage of the violent soccer ‘hooligans’ you Brits have in this country, and I feel like they’ll be a natural replacement for our fan base.”
London officials, however, expressed reservations over the team’s plans to stay permanently within their city.
“With all due respect to you Yanks, we British find this entire ‘foot-ball’ passion of yours to be pure bollocks,” said London mayor Boris Johnson. “When it comes to sporting endeavors, we already have Wimbledon, the British Open, and World Cup soccer, better known as ACTUAL football. We don’t need to throw one of your silly N-F-L teams into that mix, especially one that’s as rubbish as these Oakland chaps. For three years now, we’ve resisted every effort of your Mr. Goodell to relocate those horrid Jacksonville Jaguars here. So we certainly aren’t going stand by now and welcome this black and silver team that’s just as bloody awful anyway.”
When reached for comment, the city of Oakland responded, “Whatever. So our city is now without a professional quality NFL team. How is that different than before?”