CULVER CITY, CA – Displeased with a programming schedule that calls for them to air a Thursday night matchup between the 2-12 Tennessee Titans and the equally struggling 2-12 Jacksonville Jaguars, the NFL Television Network informed the league’s front office today of its intention to “flex” out of the contest, in favor of an old VHS copy of a 1996 game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Green Bay Packers.
“This is a programming move we feel will appeal to fans of quality professional football, who, frankly, deserve much better than Jacksonville–Tennessee.” said NFL Network President Steve Bornstein. “This Cowboys-Packers game from ’96 had it all. The ‘triplets’ of Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, and Michael Irvin in their prime. A young gunslinger named Brett Favre just blossoming into the superstar quarterback we all remember. Deion Sanders. Reggie White. NFC supremacy on the line. I think we’d all rather watch that instead of some boring snoozefest between Blake Bortles and whoever it is the Titans are currently starting at quarterback.”
Bornstein told reporters that his decision to make the flex move was an easy one.
“Naturally, I was unhappy with the prospect of broadcasting a Jacksonville-Tennessee game, as any rational programing executive would. So I went digging around in my basement last night and there, stuffed into a box with my old Nintendo 64 and a couple of dead Tamagotchis, I found this VHS tape of Dallas versus Green Bay from November of ’96. And even though the tracking on it is pretty bad and there’s a few glitches on the tape here and there, I think it’s still our best option for an entertaining NFL matchup on Thursday.”
When one reporter attempted to remind Bornstein that, with a final score of 21-6, this particular game was not necessarily the most exciting matchup from the Dallas-Green Bay rivalry, Bornstein quickly hushed the curious scribe.
“Shhhh! For God’s sake, don’t tell me the score!” scolded the executive. “I totally forget who wins this game, and I want to be surprised.”