As part of their annual October campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of breast cancer, the NFL will be requiring all players to bathe and shampoo with bright pink dye prior to each game for the duration of the month, a league spokesperson announced today.
“For several years now, the NFL has marked each October by hanging pink banners, placing pink graphics in our broadcasts, and outfitting our players in a variety of pink uniform accessories in order to bring attention to this noble cause,” said a league spokesperson. “But we’re always looking for new ways to show our support. So we looked around to try to find something, anything, that we hadn’t yet painted pink for October, and that’s when it hit us: the players themselves.”
The program, titled “Spread the Pink,” has met with mixed reactions from around the league.
“Look, I’m all for preventing breast cancer,” said Packers LB Clay Matthews. “But do I have to paint my whole body bright pink to do it? You know how long it takes to scrub this stuff off? I’ll be scraping dye from underneath my fingernails until Thursday, man.”
“The pink thing is getting out of control,” complained Rams DE Chris Long. “First the gloves and sneakers, then the penalty flags, then the first down lines on TV? The whole stadium is starting to look like a (expletive) My Little Pony Playhouse.”
“Well I think it’s a swell idea,” said Colts quarterback Andrew Luck. “We get to show our support for breast cancer survivors, and we’re more visible to oncoming traffic when crossing the street after dark. Charitable causes and good safety practices are my two favorite things in the whole world.”
Added Luck, “If I had a girlfriend I’ll bet she’d think it’s nifty.”