Fan of rape and murder across America are disappointed by the news that both Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger and Baltimore LB Ray Lewis will miss Sunday’s Steelers-Ravens showdown with rib and shoulder injuries respectively, it was reported Friday.
“What a bummer,” said Bob Strantz of Lakeview TX. “I’ve been a big, big rape fan for as long as I can remember, which is why I’ve always had a soft spot for Ben Roethlisberger. And a buddy of mine down the road, Jimmy, is a pretty big fan or anything and everything to do with murder, especially if it’s by stabbing. So every year when the Steelers play the Ravens, we usually get together to cheer on our boys. And if Pittsburgh wins, I get to be all, ‘score one for rape!’ But if the Ravens come out on top, he just goes, ‘Way to go, murder!’ It’s all in good fun.”
Roethlisberger, 30, has twice been accused, though never convicted, of sexual assault. Lewis, 37, was indicted for murder in a 2000 stabbing, though the charges were later dropped in exchange for Lewis’ testimony against two of his companions.
“I’ve got my entire basement decorated with photos and news clipping of famous sexual predators,” boasted Steve Shelby, 43, of Rochester NY. “I call it my ‘rape room.’ It’s just a modest little shrine, but it’s something I’ve worked hard on and take pride in. And of course, Big Ben’s photo is right there in the middle of the main wall. Man, what a shame he won’t be out there Sunday night.”
When reminded that neither Roethlisberger nor Lewis were ever convicted of any crime, Shelby winked and said, “Riiiiight. And I was nowhere near that cute blonde jogger near City Park last year.”
“I used to be a fan of two things: grisly homicide, and the Arizona Cardinals,” said Albuquerque, NM resident Zachary Hodgson. “But then Ray Lewis got away with that stabbing murder, and I became a Baltimore fan for life. I even named my fantasy football team, ‘The Missing Bloody White Suits.’ It’s sort of an inside joke. Whenever anyone gets the reference, I know they’re a connoisseur of quality stabbing deaths just like I am. Watching the Ravens take on Pittsburgh really won’t be the same without Ben and Ray out there.”
“I have these 5 friends who are big rape fans like me,” said Edwin Muesing of Columbus, OH. “We call ourselves ‘The Rape Eight,’ even though there’s only six of us,’cause we just like how it sounds. Well, there’s this club across town that call themselves, “The Murder of Crows,” because apparently that’s what a group of crows is called. So it’s, like, a play on words, you know? Ravens? Crows? Murder? Anyway, they’re big fans of murder, which is kind of sick, I know, but I try not to judge others too harshly. So my rape friends and I usually meet them at Playoffs Bar and Grill whenever the Steelers play the the Ravens.”
“I don’t know what we’re going to do this year,” concluded Muesing. “Maybe we’ll just all skip the game entirely and just sit around and talk about rape. Oh, and murder too, I guess”