ELMONT, NY – Outpacing favorites such as Wicked Strong, Tonalist, and the heavily favored California Chrome, Seattle Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch galloped to a 1.75 lengths victory in the 146th running of the Belmont Stakes today.
“On behalf of the NYRA and thoroughbred racing fans everywhere, we’d like to extend our sincere, albeit slightly confused, congratulations to Mr. Lynch for his surprising victory today,” said Jenny Kellner, spokeswoman for the New York Racing Association. “In all honesty, we were caught slightly off-guard by Mr. Lynch’s last second entry into the race. But we checked and double-checked the rule book, and nowhere did it specify that race entrants had to have four legs or a tail. And a basic medical exam of Mr. Lynch revealed him to be more horse-like than man anyway.”
Added Kellner: “And besides, his jockey, Mr. R. Wilson, met the appropriate height requirements. So we made the decision to allow him to compete.”
Lynch’s win, timed at an official 2:28:50, is the fastest time run by a professional football player in a triple crown race since former Tennessee Titan Adam “Pacman” Jones ran a 2:28:35 at the 2008 Preakness Stakes (although Jones’ time was later disqualified due to the fact that he was running from federal authorities at the time).
At press time, Lynch himself was unavailable for comment as he was strapped to a feed bag containing five pounds of alfalfa cubes, grain oats, and Tropical Flavor Skittles.