CLEVELAND – After waking from a nearly two decade-long metabolic coma today, John Carlo Tan, 48, looked around groggily at the medical personnel assembled around his Fairview Hospital bedside and uttered, “Wow, so I’ve been out for nineteen years years huh? Hey, quick question: how have the Browns been doing?”, a question that was met with uncomfortable silence and averted eyes from the doctors and nurses present, according to neurosurgical sources on the scene.
“I remember back in January of ‘95, we had this pretty good young coach. Bill something, Bill… Bellachip? Was that was it?” asked Tan, whose slip on a patch of ice in April of 1995 induced his multi-year unconscious state. “We beat the Patriots in the playoffs that year and looked like a young team on the rise. So how far did this Bellachip guy take us? Have we won a few Super Bowls yet? One Super Bowl? A couple of conference titles, at least? Anything?”
When informed that late Browns owner Art Modell controversially relocated the team to Baltimore in 1996, Tan immediately grew irate.
“No, don’t tell me that! Those bastards down in Baltimore stole our team? Our beloved Brownies? Oh please, please tell me that karma punished them with a whole ton of losing seasons, right? They haven’t, like, won anything of significance, have they?”
Upon learning that the Ravens had, in fact achieved a pair of Super Bowl championships during their nineteen-year existence, Tan bellowed with anger, then calmed moments later when he was told of the “new Browns” expansion franchise that was awarded to Cleveland in 1999.
“Oh, okay, so we got a new team, and we got to keep the Browns name and colors? Well that’s cool then, I guess. So have we been consistently competitive since then? Tell me about the quarterbacks we’ve had. A few all-pros, I hope? Any superstars over the past twenty years? Hello? Why… why do you guys all look so sad?”
Sensing that Tan was growing increasingly agitated, attending physician Dr. Denise Sidell injected the upset patient with a powerful sedative.
“Mr. Tan was asking questions he really didn’t want the answers to,” Dr. Sidell later told reporters. “He wanted to see a complete history of the team’s won-loss records since 1999, a breakdown of all their draft choices, things of that nature. Once he demanded to know if the Browns had any new ‘quarterback of the future’ that he could hear about, we know what had to be done So we injected him with fifty milligrams of pentobarbital to knock him back into a medically induced coma, where we’ll keep him until the Browns win the AFC, or he dies from old age, whichever comes first.”