John Madden, NFL Hall of Famer and iconic television color announcer, was arrested today at his home in Plesanton, CA for illegally owning and operating a mutant gene splicing farm where edible creatures of assorted species were genetically combined as part of Madden’s continuing search for newer and bolder flavors of meat.
“Apparently, the Turducken was just the beginning for this sick bastard,” said Detective Benjamin Vazquez of the Pleasanton Special Crimes Unit. “All those years ago, when the accused first discovered that you could debone a chicken, stuff it into a deboned duck, then stuff THAT into a deboned turkey… well at that point, he developed a taste for genetically modified animal flesh that has become virtually impossible to sate.”
Detectives are still working their way through Madden’s combination laboratory/dungeon, gathering evidence to use in their case against the coaching legend. The investigation has stalled several times however, as a number of even the most hardened police officers have fled the scene crying and gasping in horror.
“It’s terrifying,” said Special Agent Nick Rockwell with a shudder. “I’m a 20 year veteran of the force. I’ve witnessed bloody car accidents, violent murder scenes, you name it. But nothing compares to the abominations I saw in… there. Row after row of cages. Deep fryers, rotisserie grills, and bloody operating tables. And the creatures. Dear god, those grotesque creatures. One of them was still alive. It made a noise that was sort of a combination “mooing,” “oinking,” “clucking” kind of sound. I gazed into its eyes, and I swear, it looked like it was begging, ‘Please, please kill me.”
Sources claim that Madden was intent on creating an entirely new line of designer genetic meats as a compliment to the turducken, including “chickantelope,” “pandostrich,” and “salambpig,” which somehow combined salmon, lamb, and pig into a horrifying creature that was fearsomely nightmarish, yet surprisingly low in saturated fat.
When informed of his former on-air partner’s arrest, NBC sportscaster Al Michael said of Madden,”May the Lord God have mercy on his soul for what he has wrought upon this Earth.”
Authorities confirm that at the time of his capture, Madden was developing a new strain of mammal life that he called his, “most delicious masterpiece.”
“Yes, there was… something in the back of the lab,” said Vazquez. “It was sealed in a wooden box that had been then placed inside a locked cage. The bars were reinforced titanium, and the door was triple padlocked and welded shut. This was a creature Madden did NOT want getting loose. ”
After composing himself for several moments, Vazquez continued, “Even as a man of faith, I have to wonder what sort of loving God could allow an abomination like this to exist on His Earth. I don’t know what name the creature goes by, but I can tell you that if it ever escapes, there is no hope for any of us. I simply call it, ‘the beast,’ while Madden has apparently been referring to it as, ‘a tasty treat when broasted for 6 hours, then delicately glazed with a tangy honey/BBQ sauce.’”