Hey, have you guys heard about this shit? My contract with the Saints has expired, which means I’m eligible for free agency, which means that your old pal Jimmy Graham is about to get PAID, son. Whoot woot. As the top receiving threat on the market, I’m about to make some MAD CASH, y’all.
But hang on: New Orleans doesn’t want to lose me, on account of I’m the best player on their whole damn team. YES BETTER THAN DREW BREES, AND FUCK YOU FOR ASKING THAT. So they wanna slap my ass with what they call the “franchise tag,” which is fine by me because then they’ll have to pay me the average salary of the top five players in the NFL at my position. Pretty sweet, right?
But here’s where shit gets all fucked up: They wanna franchise me as a TIGHT END. You believe that crap? I had an average per catch last season of 14.1 yards, which is among the best in the league for ANY position. Yet they have the balls to claim that I’m a natural tight end and not a wideout.
Well they’re 100% wrong, and I can prove it. I am CLEARLY a wide receiver, and a wide receiver only. Because as anyone who’s seen a Saints game during the last couple of seasons can tell you, I am way too crappy as a blocker to be considered a TE.
I mean, that’s the definition of a tight end, right? Someone who lines up just to the outside of the tackle and either goes out for a pass or stays in to block, right? Well, I can do the “out for a pass” part, no problem. All I have to do is motion away from the line, set up in the slot or wide to the outside, and then run a downfield pattern to catch a long bomb, at which point I sprint into the end zone, leap ten feet in the air and gracefully dunk the ball over the crossbar. Hey, you know who else does that? WIDE FUCKING RECEIVERS, that’s who.
But that whole “stay in to block” thing? Psssh. Fuck that noise. I leave that grunt work to the jarheads like Jason Witten and Kyle Rudolph. Jimmy Graham’s face is WAYYY too pretty to be getting beat up by the Jared Allens and the Robert Quinns of the world. Blocking those huge, vicious bastards is dirty tight end work, and Jimmy Graham is NO TIGHT END.
Right now you’re probably thinking, “Jimmy, who cares? What difference does it make if they call you a wide receiver or a tight end?” And to that I answer, IT MAKES FIVE MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF FUCKING DIFFERENCE. That’s how much more the Saints have to pay me if they franchise me as a WR, like they should. Shit, for five million dollars a year, they can classify me as an 18th century Japanese geisha girl for all I care, and fuck you if you don’t think I won’t smear white makeup all over my face, put on one of those long flowing dresses, and then tee-hee and fan myself all the way to the bank.
So the Saints can call me a tight end all they want to, but I know the real truth and I’m gonna hold tightly onto that truth like the Seahawks secondary on a crossing pattern. Because the truth is that I am a WIDE RECEIVER, and I’ve got the crappy blocking skills to prove it. And no one out there had better say otherwise. Because so help me, if anyone dares to call me an adequate blocker, I will personally beat the ever-living crap outta them, so long as they don’t try any fancy swim moves, bull rushes, or shoulder dips, ’cause I tend to lose my balance and fall down if my opponent doesn’t stay directly in front of me at all times.