CHICAGO – Bears QB Jay Cutler spent his entire forty-five minute visit with a sick youngster at Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago complaining about the poor state of his offensive line, sources confirmed early this morning.
“Look at the fucking statistics! I was the fifth most sacked QB in the league last year,” Cutler said while gesturing wildly to Jeremy Baker, 11, who suffers from an incurable form of the gastrological disease Amoria Phlebitis. “And then those assholes in the media have the balls to criticize me because my completion percentage was one of the lowest among starters. Well what do they expect when I’m running for my life after almost every snap, you know what I mean?”
“And now this season, we’ve got two rookies starting at right guard and tackle. You believe that shit?” continued the frustrated QB as a nurse changed Baker’s IV bag. “And one of them’s a fifth round draft pick, for Christ’s sake! Why don’t they just tie some fucking raw meat around my neck and throw me to a pack of hungry wolves while they’re at it?”
The visit from Cutler was arranged as a special treat for Baker, a lifelong Bears fan, who watched every Chicago game last season from his bed in the hospital’s intensive care wing.
“I was really surprised when he showed up,” Baker said. “I’d asked for Matt Forte, but seeing Mr. Cutler was cool too I guess. He gave me a Bears ball cap that was too big for me and had some sweat stains around the edge. Then he complained about his linemen for a while, and after that, his receivers and his QB coach. He kept saying that no one really understood how much his life sucks sometimes.”
Baker, who has been in and out of hospitals since he was three years old, offered encouragement to the eighth year signal caller
“Mr. Cutler kept telling me that his linemen ‘effing suck balls.’ Except he didn’t say ‘effing,’” Baker recalled. “I tried to tell him that maybe things will be better this year on account of they have a new coach and stuff. But he just said, ‘yeah not with my luck,’ and turned away all mad. I was just trying to make him feel better.”
“After a while, I pretended to fall asleep so he would leave,” Baker concluded. “I didn’t want to be rude, but I just couldn’t listen to him yell anymore about how (left guard) Matt Slauson is a worthless sack of…well, ‘poop.’ He said he was going to try to come back and visit me again next week, but I’m going to ask the nurse to just tell him that I died.”