EDISON PARK, IL – As part of a team-mandated community outreach program, Bears QB Jay Cutler spent one hour this morning visiting with students at Ebinger Elementary School, during which the visibly frustrated Cutler repeatedly rolled his eyes and checked his watch, and at several points during the session was seen leaning back in his plastic chair, looking at the ceiling in annoyance, and sighing loudly, according to witnesses on the scene.
“All right, let’s get this over with,” Cutler mumbled while standing in front of Ms. Sylvia Mitchell’s third grade class. “I was up half the night surfing PornHub and pounding shots of Patron, so my head hurts like a sonuvabitch. Hurry up and ask me whatever stupid things you wanna know so I can get the hell out of here, you feel me?”
“I don’t think Mr. Cutler was in a very good mood,” said eight-year old Olivia Weber. “When I asked him what it was like to play with Brandon Marshall, he just stared at me and looked all mad. And while (classmate Ethan Mueller) was telling him about how the Bears were his favorite team of all time, Mr. Cutler took out his phone and started reading his emails.”
Ebinger teachers had to interrupt Cutler on two separate occasions to politely but firmly request that the nine-year veteran not light up a cigarette in front of the students, and at one point had to shake the quarterback’s shoulder to wake him after he drifted off to sleep during a performance of the song, “Super Bowl Shuffle,” that the children had practiced for three weeks in anticipation of the visit.
When asked by 9-year-old Devin Steubans if Cutler had any tips on how to become a great NFL quarterback, Cutler replied, “Yeah. Make sure you write a clause into your contract that says you don’t have to do dumbass charity events at crappy schools filled with snotty nosed brats asking shitloads of stupid questions. Is that a good enough tip for ya?”