PEYTON, QUICK, I NEED YOUR HELP
Why? Just ran out of tampons and today’s your heavy flow day?
Aw, you’re such a kidder. But no, this is a SUPER SERIOUS PROBLEM.
My teammates and I can’t agree on where to go for our Patriots victory celebration on Sunday night.
Can you tell me where other teams usually hold their parties after they beat you in the playoffs?
Gee, I’d love to help you Brady, but I’m a little preoccupied with my own problems at the moment.
See, ever since I set the all-time record for passing TDs in a single season, I’ve just been so flooded with interview requests.
I seem to recall you had that record at one point, right? Must be nice not to have all that attention anymore, eh?
Well unfortunately, I still have to deal with LOTS of distracting attention.
Whenever people see the three huge Super Bowl rings on my hand, they always pester me with SO many annoying questions.
“Are you some sort of sporting king?” “Doesn’t your hand get tired from all that weight?” “Aah! I’ve been blinded by the glare coming off your championship jewelry!”
You’re so lucky you just have the one. I’m sure no one even notices it.
You know what? I envy you and your stable of subpar WRs.
Having a superstar like Wes Welker choose me over you makes being a premier QB almost TOO easy.
On the contrary, my friend. You’re the lucky one for having such a top-notch group of receivers to hide your flaws.
I’m stuck having to actually play well in order to carry the offense on my shoulders.
Oh, I’m not lucky. Being the highest paid QB in the NFL is SUCH a curse.
I can’t tell you how many times I day I have to tell people, “Yes, I suppose the amount of money a QB is paid DOES reflect how good that QB is, but please, can’t you fans just let me eat my meal in peace?”
Sometimes I wish I was just the 15th highest paid QB, like you are. Then people would assume I’m mediocre and leave me alone.
Oh sorry Peyton, I missed your last text.
I was busy gluing some extra padding into my helmet to make it fit better. Darn this small, handsome forehead of mine!
Huh? What’d you say? I was busy icing my sore hand because of all the high-5s I get from my teammates. I know it’s not something you can relate to, but trust me, those high-5s can hurt sometimes.
Oh no, I can relate. Back in November when I orchestrated a huge 24 point comeback against an AFC rival, you should’ve seen how red my hand was from all the high-5s I got.
But what am I telling you for? You were there. I’m sure you saw how happy my team was.
Yeah, I remember that game. And I remember going on from there to post the best record in the AFC.
You’re so lucky you get to travel and see America during the playoffs. We’re stuck here in Denver with this darn home field advantage.
Oh, you’re so right. I’m going to freeze my ass off playing in that cold New York Super Bowl in two weeks. You’re lucky you’ll be nice and warm on your couch at home.
Actually, I’ll be the one who’s stuck playing in that game. You should be thankful you’ll be sipping hot cocoa while you do in-studio analysis for ESPN5 or something.
YOU’RE LUCKY YOU DON’T HAVE THE RECORD FOR MOST PLAYOFF GAMES BY A QB LIKE I DO
YOU’RE LUCKY YOU DON’T HAVE THE ALL TIME SINGLE SEASON PASSING YARDAGE RECORD LIKE I DO
YOU’RE LUCKY YOU DON’T HAVE THE RECORD FOR MOST SUPER BOWLS APPEARANCES BY A QB LIKE – – I – – DO
YOU’RE LUCKY YOU DON’T HAVE THE RECORD FOR MOST MVP AWARDS LIKE ****I**** DO!
YOU’LL BE LUCKY IF WE DON’T WIN THIS GAME BY AT LEAST 5 TOUCHDOWNS.
CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY IF I DON’T COME OVER TO YOUR SIDELINE AND SMACK THE CLEFT OFF YOUR CHIN DURING OUR VICTORY.
Haha. Well this sure has been fun Peyton. Good luck avoiding your customary season ending interception in Sunday.
Yeah, this was a blast. Good luck coping with the pressure of yet another championship game defeat.
But seriously, I still need a recommendation for my team’s after-victory party.
I recommend your Mom’s house. I hear she’s used to handling 53 guys at once.