WHAT THE SHIT, BRADY?
Hey, I wasn’t even near her!
What does that mean?
Usually when someone sends me an angry text it’s because I just banged their wife.
That’s not why I’m texting you.
Good. Because I’m not scheduled to nail your wife until next Thursday.
I’M TEXTING YOU BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID UNDER-INFLATED FOOTBALL SCANDAL YOU’VE WROUGHT UPON MY PRECIOUS LEAGUE.
Oh, that. Pfft. Whatever.
Don’t blow me off like I’m the mainstream sports media. I actually HAVE some power.
Like this season hasn’t been shitty enough for me already? You have to go and pull this deflating crap?
Look Goodell, quit busting my balls over this.
HA. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
NO, NO, NO. Do not make any stupid “balls/testicles” jokes.
Those have all been beaten to death by every second-rate hack on the Internet over the past week.
Well, geez. Now you’re the one who’s making my balls go soft.
You know what you’re calling this scandal, right?
Personally, I think “psi-gate” is the funniest.
Brady, people are finally, FINALLY, forgetting about that “Spygate” crap your team pulled back in ‘07.
So now you had to go and find some fresh NEW way to cheat?
ARE YOU HOPING TO HAVE ANY NON-ASTERISKED CHAMPIONSHIPS WHEN YOU RETIRE, OR WHAT?
What’s the big deal? Just burn the balls, and tell everyone there’s no evidence of any wrongdoing.
It worked with the tapes back in ‘07.
Absolutely not. I have to penalize you HARSHLY for your actions.
This isn’t like you just punched your wife in some elevator. This is SERIOUS.
What are you gonna do? Suspend me from the Super Bowl? YEAH, RIGHT. YOU DON’T GOT THE BALLS.
And no, I’m going to sentence you to a few punishments that will REALLY teach you a lesson.
From now on, you can only wear clothes purchased from Costco or Target.
THAT’S RIGHT. ONLY KIRKLAND AND MERONA THREADS FOR YOU FROM NOW ON, MISTER.
BUT THEY’RE HIDEOUS AND NOT AT ALL FASHIONABLE!
That reminds me: no more Uggs sponsorships either.
From now on, you wear and endorse Crocs band slippers. The lime-green or neon purple kind, exclusively
YOU CAN’T DO THAT! THOSE THINGS LOOK LIKE SATAN’S BEACHWEAR.
THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.
You want cruel and unusual? I’M JUST GETTING WARMED UP.
No more mousse, hair spray, or gel for you.
From now on, your new stylist will be the same person who cuts Eli Manning’s hair.
That’s right. His Mom will be coming by to give you a trim later.
THAT HAS TO BE OUTLAWED BY THE COLLECTIVE BARBERING AGREEMENT, ISN’T IT?
And finally, I’m sentencing you to one full year of celibacy.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!
That’s right. No more freaky eight-somes with Giselle and her supermodel friends.
No more one-night stands with Lauren Tannehill or Dana Flacco.
No more secret quickies with Michelle Obama in the White House situation room.
How’d you know about that last one?
The Secret Service called last week to inform me that you two did it on top of a military control panel.
Apparently, your left asscheek came dangerously close to launching a full scale nuclear assault against New Zealand.
THIS IS UNFAIR. YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME.
You think my pain is funny?
No. I just got that “psi-gate.” You’re right. That IS the funniest one.
Also, yes. Your pain is hilarious.