Eddie, it’s Coach McCarthy. I’d like to discuss your recent weight gain.
I beg your pardon?
Sorry Coach. Just finishing off a bag of Big Macs.
But… why would you bother to type out, “Burp?”
Coach, I really can’t talk right now. I’m just about to dig into a big bag of Whoppers
The hamburger? Or the candy?
Yes. And yes.
Okay, well, this is exactly what we need to discuss Eddie.
When we drafted you in April, you looked like this:
And now you look like this:
I’m counting on you to be our starting RB this year, and I’m concerned that your conditioning isn’t where we need it to be for the grind of the regular season.
Ah, don’t sweat it coach. It’s only 12 games. I can make it through that.
We play 16 games in the NFL, Eddie.
Really? Well that’s not gonna work for me. I’m entered in a hot dog eating contest in Coney Island around mid December.
Eddie I don’t need to deal with this right now.
I’ve already had Aaron Rodgers showing up to camp 150 pounds overweight:
Oh yeah I recognize that dude. Me and him went to Old Country Buffet for breakfast last week. They revoked their all-you-can-eat policy on us after only three hours.
Yes, well, part of being a successful running back is committing yourself to a staunch fitness program.
Sorry, sorry. Just polishing off a box of these bad boys:
A sausage wrapped in a chocolate chip pancake?
Close. It’s a sausage wrapped in a chocolate chip pancake… ON A STICK.
Look Eddie, we have trainers and nutritionists who can help you develop better dietary habits
Man all those guys ever talk about is “vegetables” and “portion control” and “type 2 diabetes.” Pfft. Buncha medical nerds.
But the thing is, you can’t be an effective starting back for us if you’re not closely monitoring your diet and fitness regimens.
I’m getting tired of that Eddie.
Sorry, can’t help it. Eating a half dozen bacon-wrapped cupcakes always makes my stomach gurgle.
IT’S GOING TO MAKE YOUR HEART EXPLODE.
BRB. Delivery man’s here with my lunch.
I don’t suppose there’s any chance that “lunch” is a skinless boiled chicken breast with a side of cottage cheese?
An extra thick bacon burger between a Krispy Kreme doughnut bun?
Nope. AN EXTRA THICK BACON BURGER BETWEEN A KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUT BUN… ON A STICK.
Dear god, you actually EAT that unholy abomination?
Don’t knock it, Coach. I’m a power back, and this is my power fuel.
How so, exactly?
Well… it’s loaded with sugar, which gives me bursts of energy. It’s got protein to help me build strong muscle mass. And it’s slathered with extra thick glaze, which makes my hands sticky so I’m less likely to fumble.
And to think some scouts claimed you had a poor training ethic coming out of college.
Sigh. What are you eating now?
Um, let’s see. A pulled pork parfait. Some chicken-fried Slim Jims. Mozzarella sticks covered in marshmallow frosting. Some beer-battered butter balls. And a frozen nacho cheese Slurpee on a stick.
All in one meal?
All in one bucket.
Eddie, for god’s sake, you NEED to take better care of yourself. Eat a salad, please.
Oh, right on. Like a taco salad? With ground beef and shredded cheese in a crunchy shell?
Oh, so you mean like a hot fudge salad with butterscotch topping, then?
I was thinking more along the lines of a garden greens salad with spinach, tomatoes, carrots, and broccoli.
OH MY GOD, THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING.
GEEZ COACH, YOU ALMOST MADE ME VOMIT IN MY ROAST BEEF AND COTTON CANDY MILKSHAKE.
Well, this has been a good talk Eddie. Clearly, our running game is in good hands this year.
Yeah, I better get going too. I just ordered a turkey sandwich from my favorite deli.
Now see, that almost sounds mildly healthy.
What they do is, they take a whole turkey, deep fry it in buttery pork grease, then smush it between a couple of oversized Cinnabuns.
Of course they do.
Then they put the whole thing on a stick.