My Snyder, this is Jefferson Keel, President of the National Congress of American Indians.
You may recall we had a somewhat pointless text conversation a few months back.
HOW, BIG CHIEF KEEL? WE NOT SPEAK-UM IN MANY MOONS.
We’ve been over this Mr. Snyder. I’m not a Chief. I’m the Lieutenant Governor of the Chickasaw Nation, and a U.S. veteran of the Vietnam War.
AH. YOU HEAP GREAT WARRIOR. SCALP-UM MANY CHARLIES.
Yes, well against my better judgment, I’ve decided to contact you one last time to ask you to please reconsider your team’s blatantly offensive nickname.
Oh Christ, not this bison baloney again.
Look Chief, I’ve explained this already. The “Redskins” name HONORS you people.
It’s not my fault you filthy savages are too genetically inferior to understand that.
WE ARE A PROUD AND NOBLE PEOPLE, SIR.
YOUR TEAM’S DEROGATORY NAME DOES NOT “HONOR” US IN ANY WAY.
Look Geronimo, I hate to be the smallpox in your blanket, but you’re WRONG.
I have a poll from the InjunBerg Institute that says 9 out of 10 savages aren’t bothered by the name.
SO STICK THAT IN YOUR PEACE PIPE AND SMOKE IT.
1) The poll to which you’re referring is from the ANNENBERG Institute.
2) The poll is from 2004, and its methodology was HIGHLY suspect.
Not as suspect as those rigged slot machines at that Injun casino I stopped at in South Dakota one time.
The fact remains sir that no reasonable person would call a Native American a “Redskin” to their face.
WRONG AGAIN, SHITTING BULL. I’ve called dozens of you heathen “Redskins” in my time.
Yes, but no reasonable person would.
Forget it, Prances-With-Goats. You’re not going to slander my precious ‘Skins by calling us bigots. We have a long, proud history of inclusion.
YOUR OWNER REFUSED TO ALLOW BLACK PLAYERS ON HIS TEAM. THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAD TO FORCE YOU TO INTEGRATE UNDER THREAT OF PROSECUTION!
Pfft. Typical liberal over-regulation.
Mr. Snyder, your team’s moniker is degrading and insensitive, and pretending otherwise is completely disingenuous on your part, sir.
Look, do you not understand basic Paleface-speak?
CLEAN THE TAX-FREE TOBACCO OUTTA YOUR EARS AND LISTEN: THE “REDSKINS” NAME IS NOT RACIST.
Hell, we even got a real life, honest-to-god Injun Chief to powwow in front of a camera and tell people that he wasn’t offended by our name.
THAT MAN MISREPRESENTED HIMSELF! HE IS NOT A CHIEF AND DOES NOT SPEAK FOR ANY NATIVE TRIBE!
Oh, so you’re gonna knock him for pretending to be a Chief, but it’s okay for YOU to do it? BRAVES WHO SLEEPUM IN GLASS TEEPEE SHOULDN’T THROW BEADS, TONTO!
I HAVE NEVER ONCE CLAIMED TO BE A CHIEF. IN FACT, I’VE ASKED YOU DOZENS OF TIMES TO STOP CALLING ME THAT.
Look Wigwam Willie, we’re not so different you and I.
I sincerely doubt that.
You and your tribe are very waste-conscious. Use every part of the antelope, and whatnot.
Just like how I’m very waste conscious when it comes to fiscal expenditures. WE USE EVERY PART OF THE DOLLAR.
And your point is?
Do you have any idea how much a name change would cost me? We’d have to print up all new letterhead, repaint the signs in the parking lot, etc. I might not be able to afford that third yacht I had my eye on!
Hmm. You know, maybe I’ve been going about this all wrong.
Mr. Snyder, would you say that your team has a lot of fans?
YOU’RE DAMN STRAIGHT WE DO, CHIEF HOCK-A-LOOGIE.
Our fans THUNDER across the vast D.C plain like a herd of proud buffalo!
And a large percentage of those fans have Redskins paraphernalia, correct? Hats, jerseys, t-shirts, and so on?
You speak-um truth. IF IT EXISTS, WE’LL SLAP A LOGO ON IT AND SELL IT TO YOU AT A 85% MARKUP.
So then wouldn’t it stand to reason that a name change would force your fans to replenish all their current team merchandise, with new, updated versions?
Which for you, would translate into…sigh… HEAP BIG WAMPUM?
Mother of God.
You, my barefoot, war-painted friend, are a marketing GENIUS.
So we’re agreed then? You’ll change your name?
ROGER THAT. Goodbye, “Washington Redskins.”
Hello, “Washington Hairy Greaseballs.”
The WHAT now?
We have a growing Italian population here in D.C. It’s an untapped market.
And you think you’ll appeal to them by calling them “hairy greaseballs?”
THE NAME TOTALLY HONORS THEM.
I can see it now: our new mascot will be a furry fat guy with a thick mustache in a dirty tank top slurping spaghetti while he loses a war.
THAT IS INCREDIBLY, INEXCUSABLY RACIST, AND…
You know what? Never mind. That’s fine. You can be the Italian Anti-Defamation League’s problem from now on.