HOUSTON – After seeing their quarterback roster depleted by injuries over the past several weeks and finding themselves in desperate need of a healthy body this weekend against the Baltimore Ravens, the Houston Texans named 168 lb. Randy Donaldson, their 19-year-old intern from the team’s accounts payable department, as their starting signal caller for Sunday’s contest, according to sources close to the surprised community college freshman.
“Well, Randy’s been with the franchise for, what, like six weeks now?” said Texans coach Bill O’Brien. “I think he brings to the table a strong arm, um… well maybe a smart pocket presence,… Okay look, I’ll be honest with you guys. I don’t know the first thing about the kid. His supervisor in accounting tells me he’s a little shy, has mild asthma, and that he forgets to carry the ‘2’ sometimes when adding triple digit numbers. At this point, that makes him the best candidate in the building to start against the Ravens on Sunday.”
The Texans, who have lost Ryan Fitzpatrick for the season with a broken leg, Ryan Mallet with a torn pectoral muscle, and rookie Tom Savage with an injured knee, are counting on their new intern/QB to deliver a victory on Sunday to keep their slim playoff hopes alive.
“Gee, I’ll do the best I can,” said the 5’6 Donaldson, while wearing a uniform that was three sizes too big and a helmet that wobbled around his slender head. “I don’t really know much about football. I saw my brother’s best friend play ‘Madden’ once on the Xbox, so I guess I have that going for me. Coach O’Brien gave me this ‘playcalling wristband’ thingamajig to wear with X’s and O’s scribbled all over it, and I told him that he could deduct the cost of that from his year end fiscal 2014 taxes as a reasonable business operating expense. I think that really impressed him, because he put his head in his hands and wept tears of what I assume is pure joy.”