GLENDALE, AZ – An apparently homeless vagrant seen sifting through trash dumpsters in the alleyway behind the Arizona Grand Resort Hotel where the Seattle Seahawks are staying as they prepare for Super Bowl XLIX on Sunday looks an awful lot like New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, according to several suspicious witnesses on the scene today.
“Let’s see. Banana peel. Skittles wrappers. Used Kleenex. Goddammit. No playbooks here anywhere,” grumbled the hobo, while pawing through the rubbish of the large trash bin. “There’s gotta be something here worth swiping. Formations scribbled on napkins, or audible cheat sheets. Anything, for Christ’s sake.”
Shortly thereafter, the bum was thrilled to find a large Hefty bag with the words, “property of Seattle Seahawks” printed on the side, only to have his joy deflate to sorrow just moments later.
“Aw, hell. There’s nothing worthwhile in this bag either,” snarled the frustrated derelict. “Just a bunch of ‘NFC Championship’ t-shirts and a couple dozen empty Adderall bottles. Shit.”