EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – NSA leaker Edward Snowden, currently on the run from U.S. federal agents, is seeking asylum in the New York Jets endzone at MetLife stadium in New Jersey, where the former systems analyst feels he can remain hidden in the privacy and isolation that the seldom-used scoring area will provide.
“They’ll never find me there,” said Snowden as he packed his bags for a relocation to the north end of the Jets home field. “You’re talking about an offense that was 3rd to last in yards per game last year, 5th to last in points per game, and now they’ve lost Shonne Greene. Plus they might start a rookie QB at some point? Yeah, I should have that place all to myself for the next six months or so.”
“Granted, it’s not a perfect solution,” continued Snowden. “The weather’s not great, and the locals can be kind of ornery. Plus, you know, I have to actually watch Jets games. So that’s going to be a real downer. I can accept a life with revoked privileges of American citizenship, but being forced to watch Mark Sanchez for three hours every Sunday? That should be a violation of some article of the Geneva convention, no?”
Reminded that the New York Giants, who scored the sixth highest points per game in the league last season, also play home games on the MetLife field , Snowden responded, “Crap, that’s right. I forgot about the Giants. Oh well. During weekends when the G-men are at home, I can always vacation in the end zone at Ralph Wilson Stadium up in Buffalo.”