I truly love my job as an NFL official. It’s an exciting line of work that features travel, fame, and moderate fortune. Each week, it’s up to me and my team to fairly and accurately officiate a fast-moving football game, keeping track of numerous players, seeing the entire field at once, making lightning quick judgements that can literally decide the outcome of the game. Yes, it’s an enormous responsibility, but it’s one that I thoroughly enjoy.
Having said that, you know what my real dream is? Once, just once, I would love to completely CRUSH a wide receiver running a crossing route over the middle.
Just picture it: there’s DeSean Jackson of the Eagles coming off the line. He plants, pivots, and begins slanting across the center of the field. Because of a mix-up in coverage, neither the inside linebacker not the strong safety picks him up, so he’s uncovered. He catches a quick pass from Michael Vick, and now he’s off. You can tell he’s thinking, “Oh man this is great. There’s no one anywhere near me except for Ed Hochuli, the league’s most muscular and handsome referee. Look’s like I’ve gonna gain at least twenty or twenty-five yarOOOFFFFFFFF.”
See, ’cause right there, that’s where I NAIL HIM. Yep, I just sort of lift my massive forearm, take aim at his chest, and BOOM. DE-CLEATED, BABY.
Oh,it would be so sweet. Obviously, he’d never be expecting a sledgehammer shot like that to come from an official, so he wouldn’t be bracing for it. And I would just DESTROY him on national TV. Send his little rag-doll ass flying all the way back to his bench.
Look, you’ve all seen me. You know I’m built like a frigging tank. Do you realize how frustrating it is for me to lift all these weights and drink all those protein shakes, day after day, week after week, year after year, and not be allowed to HIT SOMEBODY? Instead, I’m supposed to stand there like a pansy and tweet my little whistle and just be all, “um.. that guy was holding that other guy, so now he gets a wittle penalty.” Man, F that. I wanna KILL, KILL, KILL.
So I’m telling you: one of these days, I’m gonna annihilate some poor, pathetic WR when he tries to come over the middle. Maybe it’ll be some little stringbean like DeSean. Or maybe it’ll be some big bastard like Megatron or Dez Braynt. Ed Hoculi ain’t scared. I arm wrestle gorillas and punch freight trains. Any receiver who thinks I won’t knock his dick into the dirt better think again, because the middle of the field? That’s MY HOUSE, BABY. ED HOCHULI SMASH!