BOSTON – World renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews, during a visit to Patriots headquarters to examine the right knee of TE Rob Gronkowski, described the damaged joint as, “really, totally gross,” and declared the torn ACL and MCL tendons to be, “just about the gnarliest, most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, like ever,” according to sources early today.
“Someone cut that guy’s knee open and let me look inside it, and oh man, it is just, like, completely sick in there,” Andrews, 71, told sources, while gesturing in Gronkowski’s general direction. “There’s all these veins and bones and stuff, and everything’s all bloody and nasty, but all around the edges you can see lots of this goopy, white kind of stuff in there too. It’s like raw pork or whatever, but it looks like it’s been all mangled into bits.”
Added Andrews: “I think I’m gonna throw up.”
Gronkowski, 24, suffered the injury during Sunday’s come-from-behind victory over the visiting Cleveland Browns. According to sources, the knee will require reconstructive surgery and months of rehabilitation, yet there is still no guarantee that Gronkowski will be ready to play by the 2014 training camp.
“I don’t know about any of that, but I can tell you that knee is one repulsive sight,” Andrews told sources when questioned as to the severity of the injury. “I’m warning you, if you’ve just had lunch, do NOT look inside that dude’s leg. It’s like spaghetti and blood and plaster and snot all mixed together and scrambled up in a big pukey mess. My buddy dared me to put my finger inside there, but I was like, ‘no way. If I touch that gunk, I’ll ralph all over the floor.’ I wouldn’t touch that big gross knee if you paid me a hundred dollars!”
Upon closer examination, sources later learned that this particular man was not, in fact, the world renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews, but rather “Doc” Andrew James, 23, a local plumber who had been summoned to Patriots’ headquarters to fix a leaky faucet up in the executive washroom. Sources also confirmed that Mr. James has no medical training whatsoever, and was frankly rather confused as to why all these crazy football people kept demanding he look at some guy’s cut up knee, but hey, a gig’s a gig, and you do whatever the customer wants, right? As of press time, sources confirm that they feel bad about the confused identity, but asked everyone to cut sources some slack, as things are pretty crazy in sources’ home life right now, and Mrs. Sources is being a royal pain in the ass, and you know what? Don’t even get sources started on all that crap right now.
