ARLINGTON, TX – Jerry Jones, owner and CEO of Dallas Cowboys Inc., announced today that the company would begin phasing out the football side of their operation effective immediately.
“This was a decision based purely on cost/profit ratios,” said Jones from behind his desk at the company’s Valley Ranch business headquarters. “The Dallas Cowboys Corporation has enjoyed tremendous success over the years with merchandise sales, television revenue, stadium tours, and a number of other synergistic revenue opportunities. Only our football division continues to underperform, yet that branch of the company is actually our most expensive in terms of operating costs.”
The transition commenced early this morning as maintenance personnel dismantled and removed all training equipment, lockers, goal posts, and other sporting-related materials from the property formerly known as AT&T/Cowboys Stadium. In its place, a new structure, tentatively titled “‘Boys, Balls, and Beyond,” will re-open later this year as a discount shopping plaza for a multitude of Cowboys-themed paraphernalia.
“We’re turning the stadium into the world’s largest department store,” beamed Jones. “We’ll have a wide assortment of Dallas Cowboy T-shirts, hats, sweatpants, hoodies, and so on. Not to mention Dallas Cowboys kitchen and bathroom appliances, outdoor pool and patio decorations, a wide variety of automotive products, etc. You name it, we’ll slap a star logo on it for you. By eliminating the costly and time-consuming football side of our business, we can focus exclusively on marketing top quality Cowboys merchandise to all our fans.”
The move saves the Cowboys hundreds of millions of dollars immediately, as dozens of high priced football specialists were either laid off, or reassigned to newer positions such as valet, janitor, and receptionist.
“Yes, several employees had to be transferred,” confirmed Jones. “But they’re making the most of it. DeMarcus Ware has proven to be an outstanding head of security, and Dez Bryant’s a natural as our community service director. Jason Garrett has struggled a little with the clock management duties that comes with being our new schedule supervisor, but I’m confident he’ll get the hang of it eventually.”