ARLINGTON, TX – Although the Dallas Cowboys plan to use all their starting players in Sunday’s mostly-meaningless season finale against the Washington Redskins, head coach Jason Garrett announced today that Pro Bowl QB Tony Romo will play the game while fully encased in a thick layer of safety bubble wrapping to ensure the signal caller does not suffer any injuries prior to the upcoming playoffs, sources close to the team confirmed this morning.
“With the first postseason game just nine days away, we felt this was a necessary adjustment to Tony’s uniform,” said Garrett during an afternoon press conference. “The last thing we need going into the playoffs is for him to suffer yet another back or rib injury. We considered duct-taping a bunch of couch cushions to his chest, arms, and head. But ultimately we went with the bubble wrap because it provides more even coverage, not to mention that it glistens better under the stadium lights.”
“It makes practice a lot more fun, that’s for sure” said Cowboys LB Rolando McClain. “Every time we sack Tony, he makes this ‘pop-pop-poppity-poppity-pop’ sound. It’s weirdly satisfying, I just want to tackle him over and over again to keep hearing that noise.”
Several confused reporters asked Garrett why he simply wasn’t holding Romo out of the Washington game altogether, if he was so concerned about the quarterback’s health.
“Well, because we still have a slim chance at a first round playoff bye, we do need to try to win this game against the Redskins,” Garrett explained. “So we have option A, which is Tony Romo dressed head to foot in bubble wrap that will severely limit his mobility, throwing motion, and general movement. Or option B, which is Brandon Weeden. And we just felt like option A gives us the best chance at a victory.”