NEW YORK – In what the team is describing as an “unfortunate typographical error,” The Kansas City Chiefs made 73-year-old Erica Fischer of West Palm Beach, FL The first overall pick of the 2013 NFL Draft Thursday evening
“I was just sitting down to supper with my husband Irving when the telephone rang,” said the septuagenarian. “A nice young man named Andy Reid told me that he had just ‘selected’ me in some new fangled NFL thingamabob, and that he was looking forward to seeing what I could do on Sundays this fall. He seemed awfully put out when I explained that I didn’t know a thing about foot-ball. But my gracious, they certainly were offering a lot of money, so I said I’d give it a whirl.”
“Yes, there was a mix-up on our part,” explained a visibly shaken Chiefs general manager John Dorsey. “We of course intended to draft Central Michigan OT Eric Fisher with our first pick, but it seems that Randy, our spring intern, wrote the wrong name on the card. Once the selection was delivered and registered by the commissioner at the podium, the pick became officially binding, and I’ve discovered that no amount of explaining, begging, or weeping can get the league office to change their policy. I suppose the lesson here is to never hire your brother-in-law’s slow-witted kid as an intern, no matter how much your wife insists the responsibility will do him good.”
Early reports indicate that signing the grandmother of five will not come cheaply for the Chiefs.
“Erica’s lifetime interception rate is significantly lower than that of Joe Flacco, Tony Romo, and Tom Brady,” said Fischer’s newly signed agent Drew Rosenhaus. “So we’re using those contracts as starting points for our negotiations. We’re asking Kansas City to agree to a six year contract that will include both guaranteed money and automatic salary increases, though we are willing to provide the team with escape clauses that can be triggered in the case of, you know, death.”