FOXBOROUGH, MA – Decontamination specialists from the national Center for Disease Control are still hard at work today inside the New England Patriots locker room, using industrial strength cleansers and other disinfectants to remove the powerful stench of failure from recently released QB Tim Tebow’s former locker, team sources confirmed today.
“The challenge here is to contain the spread of the failure before it infects the other areas of the Patriots’ complex,” said CDC spokesman Carlos Espinoza. “This contamination spreads like a virus, and if we don’t act fast, the entire franchise could soon reek of an ineptitude that might take four to five college drafts to properly cleanse.”
“It’s definitely one of the more powerful failure spills I’ve seen,” confirmed CDC agent Jacob Reese. “We’ve analyzed samples and discovered high concentrations of inaccuracy and flawed mechanics, which coupled with the elevated levels of expectation form a dangerous cocktail that if left unchecked, could easily infect the entire roster.”
Asked to identify a worst-case scenario, Reese said, “well if this virus were to spread just 20 feet down the wall and into Tom Brady’s locker, we’d see a deterioration of the Patriots’ passing attack that would reduce the entire New England offense all the way down to Charger-esque levels of incompetence.”
Espinoza shuddered, than added, “I don’t even want to think about the horror that such an epidemic would inflict upon my fantasy team.”