BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA – Officials for the Argentinian men’s national soccer team, hoping to increase their chances of securing a championship at the 2014 FIFA World Cup tournament, have extended an offer of ten million U.S. dollars, payable immediately and in cash, to Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo in exchange for a guarantee that the perpetually “jinxed” signal caller will cheer exclusively for the Brazilian national squad, currently a 5-2 favorite to win the World Cup title.
“Sí, we can confirm that we have offered Señor Romo a sum of 81,279,964 pesos, or ten meelyun of your U.S. dollars, to serve as the beso de la muerte, or the, how you say, ‘kiss of death,’ to those Brazilian cock-a-roaches,” said Argentina head coach Alejandro Sebella. “To earn his dinero, Romo must seemply attend each of Brazil’s matches, wear offeecially licensed Brazilian Fùtbol merchandise, and cheer loudly for their veectory. We feel muy confident this will guarantee an early exit from the tournament for those feather-wearing pendejos.”
Added Sebella: “¿Dónde está la biblioteca? Mi aerodeslizador está lleno de anguilas“
Romo’s reputation as a jinx has been earned through the years with multiple late game meltdowns and poor December showings with the Cowboys. Additionally, Romo has recently attended games to cheer for the Duke Blue Devils, Los Angeles Clippers, and Dallas Mavericks, resulting in losses by each team. Despite the overwhelming evidence, however, Romo insists he is not a bad-luck charm.
“I don’t know where silly rumors like this get started,” Romo complained. Sure, a few teams I’ve cheered for have lost here and there, but that’s hardly reason to call me a jinx. Look, when I heard about that California Chrome horse who won the Kentucky Derby and Preakness race, I decided to root for him. But then when I went to see him run in the Belmont stakes, he… okay, that’s probably not the best example.”
According to multiple sources, the Argentinian offer has inspired a rash of similar moves, as both the Miami Heat and New York Rangers, both currently behind 3 games to 1 in their NBA and NHL championship series, have offered Romo multi-million dollar contracts to cheer for the San Antonio Spurs and Los Angeles Kings, respectively. Additionally, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is reportedly reworking Romo’s contract to add a clause stipulating that Romo will henceforth be legally required to root for the Washington Redskins, New York Giants, and Philadelphia Eagles.
