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Aaron Hernandez’s Status Listed As “Day-To-Day” By Prison Gang

  • October 25, 2021
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BOSTON – Former Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez, indicted Thursday by a grand jury on first degree murder charges, had his status downgraded to “day-to-day” by Los Malos Diablos, the reigning prison gang at the Bristol County House of Corrections where Hernandez is currently awaiting trial.

Something something “tight end,” something something “wide receiver,” something something “prison rape”

“Yes, I can confirm that Aaron is around purely on a day-to-day basis at this point,” said Diablos member Axel Delgado, while fingering a crude shiv made from a rusty razor blade attached to an old toothbrush. “It’s very possible that he’s going to get cut sometime before September.”

“As a rookie here in our system, Aaron has struggled with his protection. In the sense that he hasn’t been paying it to us like we told him to,” added fellow Diablo Sergio Vasquez. “So we’re planning on moving him to a new position.”

When asked to clarify the position to which Hernandez would be moving, Vasquez pointed to a shadowy area of the prison yard and said, “over there, beneath that pile of concrete beams and cinder blocks.”

According to prison sources, Hernandez will remain on the day-to-day list for the time being, but the two Diablos agreed that status could change in the very near future.

“Well, I would label him as ‘highly doubtful’ to be available on Sunday,” said Delgado. “Not for any particular game or anything. Just, you know, in general.”

“There’s always the possibility that he might get ‘gang tackled’ at some point, and he could be facing the possibility of ‘sudden death,’” added Vazquez. “At that point, we would declare him officially ‘out.’”

The convict paused, then added, “we’re planning on murdering him, is what we’re trying to say.”

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