SANTA CLARA, CA – In the wake of the sudden release of Ravens RB Ray Rice, whose shockingly violent domestic assault on his then-fiancée was captured in February via a security camera in an Atlantic City casino elevator and subsequently leaked to the press early Monday morning, embattled 49ers DE Ray McDonald told reporters today that he, “sure is glad” that no secret video footage exists of that one time when he allegedly punched his pregnant fiancée in a horrifying fit of rage during an Aug. 31st birthday party at his San Jose residence.
“Whew, there but for the grace of God go I, y’know?” McDonald reportedly said while reading the news of Rice’s termination by the Ravens. “What happened to Ray is sad and all, but it’s a cautionary tale for all men: under no circumstances should you ever, EVER lay your hands on a woman in anger, if you think there might possibly be a security camera rolling nearby somewhere. That applies to pretty much any public place: parking lots, malls, elevators, etc. Part of being a mature NFL player means only striking your lady in the comfort of your own home, where your privacy can be assured.”
Added McDonald: “I mean, it’s just good business sense, career-wise. Roger Goodell has made it clear that he will NOT tolerate abuse of women. At least, not if any video footage that could embarrass the league is released to the public, anyway. And that’s a chance that we as players just can’t afford to take. If some hidden camera somewhere gets a good angle of you punching your chick when she starts getting mouthy, then your career could be FINISHED, man. That’s why I try to mentor the younger players by reminding them that they’re much better off smacking their girls in private, where all they’re risking is a much more sensible two to six week suspension, at the most.”
When shocked reporters suggested to McDonald that perhaps the better course of action would be to not strike women at all, under any circumstances, EVER, regardless of the existence of video cameras, McDonald tensed up for a moment, narrowed his eyes, then raised a hand as if to strike the assembled media pool while snarling, “You think you know better than me? I think maybe it’s time I give you a lesson in not talking back.”