Zombie Al Davis Rises From Grave, Fires, Eats Dennis Allen

By
Updated: September 16, 2014

OAKLAND – In the wake of his former team’s disappointing 30-14 loss to the Houston Texans, deceased Raiders owner Al Davis rose from his grave today as a hideous undead zombie, then proceeded to fire, as well as eat, underperforming head coach Dennis Allen, according to several repulsed eyewitnesses on the scene.

 CAPTION: Fun fact: Did you know that there are programs with which to “zombify” your photos? But since we couldn’t find one, we just used this untouched picture of Al Davis from 2006.

Fun fact: Did you know that there are programs with which to “zombify” your photos? But since we couldn’t find one, we just used this untouched picture of Al Davis from 2009.

 

“This afternoon I am announcing that Dennis Allen is no longer employed by the Oakland Raiders,” Davis snarled, while gnawing on Allen’s bloody femur bone. “I want to thank Dennis for his years spent here with us, and for keeping his body trim and fit so that his muscles have a nice lean, chewy texture.”

 

Added Davis: “Generally, I would prefer a meal of fresh brains in this scenario, but if you’ve seen much of our team’s execution this season, you’ll understand why there was none to be found in this case.”

 

According to Davis, the search for a new Raiders coach will begin immediately.

 

“I’ve already reached out to Ray Rhodes about returning here for a third stint as head coach,” Davis told reporters, in between satisified burps. “He has a proven track record of success, as well as a generous portion of torso flesh that will adequately sustain me through the coming winter months.”

Leave a Reply

9 Comments

  1. Pingback: Raiders fire Dennis Allen - SportsHoopla.com Sports Forums

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    September 16, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    So I guess this “new and improved” comments section didn’t really change anything after all did it? Except that now the comments are upside down and you can reply.

    • Anonymous

      September 16, 2014 at 5:45 pm

      Unfortunately it didn’t get rid of the trolls. But I guess we just have to get use to it.

      • AnonyMOOSE

        September 16, 2014 at 6:07 pm

        At least its only guy who whispers penis so far. *knock on wood*. I can just ignore that but it is annoying. The ones I REALLY cant stand are copycat and movie spoiler. Copycat because he/she/it picks the most annoying posts and copies them over so they are there twice, and also its only purpose is to copy&paste. (I remember one of the times someone did a heil hitler x 20,000 and copycat did it too that was the worst). And movie spoiler (inc. TV show spoiler) because people actually watch that stuff and don’t want it spoiled. That’s not even trolling its just being a dick.

        But you have to think, with the new comments section, you have to adjust settings to change your name, this idiot must really have no life if he is using “guy who whispers penis” as his user name just to post troll comments.

        • Guy Who Ruins TV Shows

          September 16, 2014 at 7:47 pm

          At the end of M*A*S*H the Korean War ends.

          • AnonyMOOSE

            September 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm

            That’s not what happens and go away.

    • PFM Comments

      September 17, 2014 at 12:03 am

      Well there are less of them, or they post less, or whatever. Either way there are less troll posts.

      But it’s not like you have to read the comments section. I usually do not.

  3. Guy Who Whispers Penis

    September 16, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    *Whispers* Penis

  4. Anonymous

    September 16, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Hahaha I couldn’t stop laughing at the part were it says they used the untouched picture of Davis in 2009 lol.

You must be logged in to post a comment Login