“You Should NEVER Change Your Favorite Team,” Says Thrice Divorced Man
Three-time divorcé, and lifelong Kansas City Chiefs supporter Graham Stevens has a message for what he calls the “fair-weather” football fans of the world: under no circumstance should you ever, EVER change your favorite NFL team.
“It’s against the code,” said the thrice-married resident of Columbia, MO. You can’t change your favorite sports team. That bond is sacred, man.”
“Look at me, for example,” said Stevens. “I started rooting for Kansas City back in 1988, right around the same time I married my first wife Cynthia. At the time, she asked me why I’d picked them, since they weren’t all that good. And I told her that I just saw something special in those Chiefs, something I couldn’t resist. And from that day on I knew I would love that team with all my heart, through good times as well as bad, until the day I died.
“Me and Cynthia split up about three years after that,” Stevens recalled. “I just got sick of fighting with her night after night, y’know?”
Stevens’ devotion to the team continued during his marriage to his second wife Brenda, and included many shared Sunday afternoons cheering on the Chiefs during the late 90’s.
“Oh yeah, those were some fun years for K.C,” Stevens said. “But sometimes Brenda would ask me if we could root for Saint Louis instead. That was when the Rams had Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, all that ‘Greatest Show on Turf,’ stuff. And I admit, it sure was tempting. But my loyalty to my Chiefs was too strong. I’d made a commitment to that team, and I wasn’t about to get involved with another one just because they were faster or better. I told Brenda that we were standing by our Chiefs for life, no matter what.”
Unfortunately, Brenda and I got divorced in 2004. She found out I’d been porking this cute little cashier at work. Oh well. What are ya gonna do?”
“Yeah, we met at a tailgate, where we were both wearing matching Larry Johnson jerseys” Stevens reminisced. “I couldn’t believe I’d finally met this perfect woman who shared my passion so completely. We used to watch guys like Dante Hall, Damon Huard, Tony Gonzalez. And yeah, the Chiefs were pretty crappy that season. But like me, Candace firmly believed that once you choose a favorite team, you hold on to them forever even if they sometimes disappoint you.”
“I filed for divorce from her after six months,” Stevens continued. “Frankly, she was lousy in the sack.”
While his beloved Chiefs are off to a 1-2 start in the 2012 season, Stevens remains steadfast in his attachment to the franchise.
“Oh, don’t worry about K.C, they’ll turn it around eventually. And I’ll wait as long as it takes. Meantime, I’ve been dating this widow down the street for a couple of months now. I’m thinking of popping the question to her during halftime of the Raiders game in October.”
“Things is, she’s Jewish, so I might have to convert if we’re gonna tie the knot,” concluded Stevens. “Eh, whatever.”