Vladimir Putin: “I Vill NEVER Give Back Your Super Bowl Ring, Robert Kraft!”
So Robert Kraft, I see you are whining like leetle babooshka to your pathetic American media about how I stole your precious diamond ring from, how you say, the Bowl of Super, ya? Vell listen up, Comrade Crybaby: zees ring, eet is MINE now, und eet vill NEVER defect back to your fat capitalist pig finger again, comprenski?
Remember ven you first show me ring, back ven you visit Russia in 2005? Und I take it from you saying, “I could kill a man vit zis.” Zat vasn’t just vistling Dixie, Meester Kraft. I use ring to kill TVENTY FIVE MEN zat night alone.
Und now you still tell your fat American friends zat I stole ring from you? EET ES YOU ZAT ES THIEF, ROBERT KRAFT. You and evil comrade Bill Bellichickistan stole not vun, not two, but TREE championzhips by cheating the League of National Football vit your video cameras, your gate-of-spy, ya?
Vell, here in former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, ve believe in SHARING, Meester Kraft. Vitch is vy I vill be “sharing” zis ring for rest of my life. In vact, I vear eet as a ring-of-cockinski on my powerful “Soviet Missile” (vitch ees name I call penis), right between my enormous “Moose and Squirrel” (vitch ees names I call testicles).
You vant to keep insulting me in press, Meester Kraft, eh? Continue to vage var of vords vit most powerful leader in Eastern hemisphere? EES VERY DANGEROUS GAME OF RUSSIAN ROULETTE YOU PLAY HERE, MEESTER U.S. PATRIOT GUY. I VILL STRIKE BACK VIT FURY OF GREAT RUSSIAN BEAR.
For examplovitch, you think you know vat cold veather is because you live in nice balmy state of Massachutski? I say NYET. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF COLD. I have former KGB agents come visk you avay in middle of night, send you to furthest reaches of Siberia vere you vill be fed nothing but potato goulash and vodka and sleep on bed of frozen urine. THEN, my leetle meeshka, you vill know of real cold.
Or vorse yet, I vill come to America, sign big contract vit, how you say, New Jets of York? Play there as commanding general of defense, the middle backer of lines, yes? Sack your precious Tomski Bradonovitch so hard his legs snap like puny popsicle sticks. YOU VANT ZAT, MEESTER KRAFT? VE VILL BURY YOU!
SO DO NOT, HOW YOU SAY, “FOOK VIT ME” ROBERT KRAFT. I VILL TWIST OPEN YOUR HEAD LIKE RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL, SEE VAT IS INSIDE. YOU STILL VANT PIECE OF ME, MEESTER TOUGH GUY? THEN, HOW YOU SAY, “AT ME, TO BE COMING, BRO!” IF YOU HAVE ZE “MOOSE-AND-SQUIRRELS” FOR EET!