Viking Hire Internet Commenter “URTEAMSUX658” As New Head Coach
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After a disappointing 5-10-1 season, Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf fired head coach Leslie Frazier yesterday and immediately announced his replacement: “URTEAMSUX658,” a frequent and belligerent commenter on a number of sports-related blogs and websites.
“We’re definitely looking for a fresh start,” said Wilf at URTEAMSUX658’s introductory press conference, “and SUX658, as we like to call him, is the right man to guide this team into our next chapter. If he brings the same tenacious, in-your-face attitude to player evaluations and gameday strategizing as he does to winning his various message board arguments across the world wide web, I’m confident our Vikings will be hoisting that Lombardi Trophy before you know it.”
The new coach spent much of his introductory press conference reading from a prepared statement that laid out his vision for the future of Vikings football.
“lol Vikings more like Whinekings huh but listen too me and Ill fix them,” said SUX658. “1st you trade for Ryan Mallett, hes Bradys backup so he has to be good, josh Freeman and Matt Castle and Christian Flounder suck anyway. 2nd we use our 1st round pick to get Jadevanona Clowny, hes a beast, I saw him knock a guys head of once he’ll be great. 3rd your gonna want to get rid of Jared Allen cuz Viqueenz D sux an well make an offense that can always score. Plus ur not gonna need RB anymore, teh NFL is all passign now so who cares, an Adrian Peterson sucked last yr anyway mustve been the roids lololol. I no some people will complain but teh haters can go back into there moms basements adn cry cuz this is big boy football now.”
Little is known about SUX658’s coaching history, and there seems to be no record of his having any football administration experience at any level. However, sources did find numerous blog comments and message board posts attributed to URTEAMSUX658. They included repeated references to the “Spygate” scandal in any discussion involving the New England Patriots whatsoever, repeated references to the fact that the Pittsburgh Steelers have won six Super Bowl titles, a variety of names for other teams such as “fortywhiners,” “seadderal cheathawks,” and “new york g strings,” conflicting accusations of virtually every player in the league being on some manner of performance-enhancing substance, and a litany of homophobic and racially insensitive comments.
Some players expressed reservations over playing for a coach whose primary work in football has been illiterate trash talk on the internet.
“At one point in a film session he actually told me to ‘stop being a noob,'” said WR Cordarrelle Patterson. “And I heard he told Greg (Jennings) that he would be the featured target our offensive scheme next season, because, and I quote, ‘imma pick u in the 8th round of my fantasy draft next yr.'”
Coach SUX658 sought immediately to reassure the doubters at his press conference.
“FRAZIER WAS A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1″ he said. “keep dreamign bro tihs is big boy football. Trust m,e I know exactly how 2 win. I had 4 fantasy teams last year an 2 of them finished over 500 so i know what im doing.”