Vanilla Ice To Perform At Halftime Of “Puppy Bowl”

By
Updated: January 29, 2014

SILVER SPRING, MD – 90’s rap star Vanilla Ice, whose hit single “Ice, Ice Baby” topped the Billboard charts nearly 24 years ago, has signed a deal with Animal Planet to perform as the halftime entertainment during this Sunday’s annual Puppy Bowl, the basic cable network announced today.

Pictured: several bitches

Pictured: several bitches

 

“All right, stop. Domesticate and listen,” Ice, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle, announced/rapped at a press conference sparsely attended by reporters from Dog Fancy and Penny Saver magazine. “Ice is back and he needs your attention. Sunday, Imma rap for pugs and cock-a-poos, Thank God, because my rent’s past due.”

 

Added the rapper: “Word to your muzzle.”

 

“We’re, um, thrilled to have Mr. Ice performing for us at this year’s Puppy Bowl,” said John Tomlin, executive producer of the canine extravaganza. “When I was putting together my wish list of halftime performers, the very first name I thought of was… well, it was Bruce Springsteen. He turned us down. Then I thought of Paul McCartney. He also turned us down. So did Katy Perry, Madonna, Prince, Tears for Fears, and that guy that sang ‘Mambo #5.” It got so bad I thought we might have to cancel the show. Then the night janitor saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. Well, turns out he used to be this rapper guy back in the 90’s, and so here we are.”

 

“There were a few negotiating points to settle first,” continued Tomlin. “Mr. Ice will be sharing a dressing room with Bowser, a five month old bull mastiff puppy. There was some concerns as to whether or not he’s properly housebroken, but Mr. Ice’s handlers assure me that he is, so Bowser agreed to split the room.”

 

Van Winkle, whose pop success peaked in late 1990, briefly returned to the nation’s awareness when he performed at halftime of a Houston Texans game during the 2013 NFL season.

 

“Yo, since the success of ‘Ice, ice baby,’ I’ve had what you might call a ‘lean quarter century,’” said the one-hit wonder. “But my manager told me back in September that playing for the Houston Texans would lead to bigger gigs eventually. And thanks to that exposure, now I’m gonna be on the Puppy Bowl. Thank you Texans!”

Leave a Reply

8 Comments

  1. Mike Vick

    March 13, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Why aren’t the dogs more vicious, or bigger, or killed after a loss?

  2. Anonymous

    February 10, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Oh man the ben roethlisberger jokes have been good on this article.

  3. Benjamin R

    February 8, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    BECAUSE MICHAEL VICK KILLED SOME DOGS, YOU SEE???

  4. @MatthewStafford

    January 31, 2014 at 7:59 am

    I’m guessing Michael Vick isn’t invited…

  5. Anonymous

    January 30, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    Probably would be a better performance then the one Bruno Mars and who ever the fuck else is performing in the Superbowl halftime.

  6. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 30, 2014 at 10:52 am

    THE PIC IS FUNNY BECAUSE BITCHES ACTUALLY MEANS FEMALE DOGS

  7. Anonymous

    January 29, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    When it was talking about being old and in the 90s, i originally thought it was a parody of the RHCP preforming and i was like OH HEYYYULLLLL NAW

  8. ifhss

    January 29, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    HAHAHA l actually laughed like when I read my first ever QB convo!!! Not that your other convos and other stuff hasn’t been excellent but man “but Mr. Ice’s handlers assure me that he is, so Bowser agreed to split the room.” HAHAHA good one guys…

You must be logged in to post a comment Login