Undercover Cops Wearing San Francisco Gear To Patrol CenturyLink Field Beating Up 49ers Fans
SEATTLE – When the Seahawks and 49ers renew what may be the NFL’s fiercest current rivalry on Sunday for the right to advance to Super Bowl XLVIII, tempers in the stands are expected to run high as emotional (and often inebriated) fans of both teams cross paths. As a result, CenturyLink Field officials have announced plans to employ several dozen undercover police officers wearing San Francisco jerseys, jackets, and caps, to roam the stadium in an effort to target, infiltrate, and eventually beat senseless any groups of opposing 49ers fans they can find.
“Our number one concern is for the safety of our ticket holders. Specifically, those ticket holders who happen to be Niner fans. We’re very concerned that their safety must not be guaranteed at all, and indeed should be threatened at every possible turn,” said one team source who preferred to remain anonymous in order to better sneak up on the hated rival fans. “That’s why we will have trained law enforcement personnel patrolling the stands, all wearing some ugly combination of those hideous red-and-gold uniforms. Whenever they encounter any groups of 49ers fans, they’ve been instructed to move in close to gain those bastards’ trust, and then WHAM nail ‘em straight in the gut when they’re least expecting it.”
“Additionally, we’re encouraging all responsible Seahawks fans to text B-E-A-S-T to our in-house stadium security department if they see any 49ers fans in need of a good punch to the face. Mind you, it’s going to be a hectic afternoon, and we anticipate a large volume of texts being received, but we promise to respond to each and every one just as quickly as we can.”
Local public safety officials reacted negatively to the proposed action.
“I’m sorry, they’re going to WHAT?” asked Margaret Nelson, 59, of the King County Human Safety and Protection Services when informed of the plan. “Dear god, that’s the very definition of aggravated assault! For goodness’ sake, they can’t do that. Listen, I’m all for cheering on the local sporting fellows, but you can’t pay security personnel to mislead visiting fans, then leap on top of them to give them a good pounding when they’re not looking. They have to be made to feel welcome in your stadium. That’s not just basic human decency, but a mandate of several state and federal laws.”
CenturyLink officials, however, paid little heed to the opposition.
“‘Make ‘em feel welcome?’ Pfft. Sounds like a typical San Francisco wussy to me,” said the anonymous source, while twisting a gloved fist into the palm of his hand. “If this ‘Margaret Nelson’ chick wants to discuss any of her concerns with us in person, she can come around the stadium this Sunday around 3:30-ish or so. Tell her to wear one of her precious 49ers sweaters and to look for the big beefy guys in the red and gold caps. I promise you, they’ll make sure she gets the message loud and clear. GO ‘HAWKS BABY. WHOOOOOO.”
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